Singles Reflections

I Choose to Live

2006-10-07T17:43:00.000-07:00


The Way to Life

SkypeOut now FREE for US & Canada!

2006-09-12T10:03:00.000-07:00

Yes. It is really very, very free. There no prepayment, no minimum use, no subscription, no monthly fee, no nothing. You just download and install Skype and then you start calling. Both the caller and the number called must be in either the US or Canada. There are no strings attached.

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Live

2006-01-07T13:30:00.000-08:00

No matter where you are in you life, live. Live your life. Things change. They always do. Look for the good in your days. The small things. They're there. Look for them. See them. Appreciate them.

-- Singles Reflections

Woman Swallows Cell Phone After Argument

2005-12-24T07:20:00.000-08:00

[Well I've heard of a lot of different types of "lovers' disputes." Been in a few myself. But Wow! This one has got to be in the top 5 I've ever heard. The silly things we do in "love." Is fighting over things like this ever really worth it in the Grand Scheme of things? I'm tending to think not.]

Woman Swallows Cell Phone After Argument
Fri Dec 23, 6:04 PM ET

BLUE SPRINGS, Mo. - It was a conversation stopper. A lovers' dispute over a cell phone took a serious turn early Friday morning when the woman ended the spat by swallowing the phone whole.

Police said they received a call at 4:52 a.m. from a man who said his girlfriend was having trouble breathing. When they arrived at the house they found the 24-year-old woman had a cell phone lodged in her throat."

He wanted the phone and she wouldn't give it to him, so she attempted to swallow it," Detective Sgt. Steve Decker of the Blue Springs Police Department. "She just put the entire phone in her mouth so he couldn't get it."

Police said an ambulance transported the woman to St. Mary's Medical Center in Blue Springs. A hospital spokeswoman said she couldn't give details about the woman's health since police have not released her identity.

Decker said police had closed investigations on the swallowing, the first such incident of its kind here."This is the first I've heard of this happening," said Decker. "I don't know what kind of phone it was. I don't know if it was on ring or vibrate, either."

Molecule Gives Passionate Lovers Just One Year

2005-12-21T16:05:00.000-08:00

[The “Honeymoon Stage.” The “Velcro Stage.” “Nature’s Anesthesia.” I’ve heard it described many ways and experienced it many times. Seems they’ve linked some actual science to it now. It usually lasts about a year to 18 months. Then REAL loves either starts and lasts, or doesn’t.]

Molecule Gives Passionate Lovers Just One Year
Tue Nov 29, 2005, 1:40 PM ET

ROME (Reuters) - Your heartbeat accelerates, you have butterflies in the stomach, you feel euphoric and a bit silly. It's all part of falling passionately in love -- and scientists now tell us the feeling won't last more than a year.

The powerful emotions that bowl over new lovers are triggered by a molecule known as nerve growth factor (NGF), according to Pavia University researchers.

The Italian scientists found far higher levels of NGF in the blood of 58 people who had recently fallen madly in love than in that of a group of singles and people in long-term relationships.

But after a year with the same lover, the quantity of the 'love molecule' in their blood had fallen to the same level as that of the other groups.

The Italian researchers, publishing their study in the journal Psychoneuroendocrinology, said it was not clear how falling in love triggers higher levels of NGF, but the molecule clearly has an important role in the "social chemistry" between people at the start of a relationship.

Broken-Hearted Donor Leaves Diamond Ring in Car

2005-12-18T20:11:00.000-08:00

[Money means nothing with matters of the heart.]

Fri Dec 16, 2005

BOSTON (Reuters) - Are diamonds really forever?

An anonymous gift-giver left a $15,000 diamond engagement ring to the owner of an unlocked car in western Massachusetts with a typed note hinting at a broken heart.

"Merry Christmas. Thank you for leaving your car door unlocked. Instead of stealing your car I gave you a present. Hopefully this will land in the hands of someone you love, for my love is gone now. Merry Christmas to you," the note said.

The three-diamond ring with a white-gold band appeared on the seat of the man's car at a train station in Westborough, about 30 miles west of Boston, on December 7, police said. Four days later, the man reported it to police.

"This appears to be random," said Westborough Police Lt. Paul Donnelly. "I think there was a search for a car that was unlocked."

The 37-year-old man decided to keep the ring after a jeweler appraised its value at $15,000, police said.

Ten Ways To Love Yourself

2005-12-07T18:15:00.000-08:00

~~ Stop All Criticism ~~

Criticism never changes a thing.
Refuse to criticize yourself.
Accept yourself exactly as you are.
Everybody changes.
When you criticize yourself, your changes are negative.
When you approve of yourself, your changes are positive.

~~ Don't Scare Yourself ~~

Don't scare yourself.
Stop terrorizing yourself with your thoughts.
It's a dreadful way to live!
Find a mental image that gives you pleasure
(perhaps a waterfall), and immediately switch your scary thought to a pleasurable thought.

~~ Be Gentle And Kind And Patient ~~

Be gentle with yourself.
Be kind to yourself.
Be patient with yourself as you learn the new ways of thinking.
Treat yourself as you would someone you really, really loved.

~~ Be Kind To Your Mind ~~

Self hatred is only hating your own thoughts.
Don't hate yourself for having bad thoughts.
Gently change your thoughts.

~~ Praise Yourself ~~

Criticism breaks down the inner spirit.
Praise builds it up.
Praise yourself as much as you can.
Tell yourself how well you are doing with each and every little thing.

~~ Support Yourself ~~

Find ways to support yourself.
Reach out to friends and allow them to help you.
It is being strong to ask for help when you need it.

~~ Be Loving To Your Negatives ~~

Acknowledge that you created them to fulfill a need.
Now you are finding new, positive ways to fulfill those needs.
So, lovingly release the old negative patterns.

~~ Take Care Of Your Body ~~

Learn about nutrition.
What kind of fuel does your body need to have for optimum energy and vitality?
Learn about exercise.
What kind of exercise can you enjoy and tolerate according where you are now?
Cherish and revere the temple you live in.

~~ Mirror Work ~~

Look into your eyes often.
Express this growing sense of love you have for yourself.
Forgive yourself, looking into the mirror.
Talk to your parents and loved ones, looking into the mirror.
Forgive them too.
At least once a day say: "I love you. I really love you."

~~ Love Yourself ~~

Do it now!
Don't wait until you feel better,
Or lose the weight,
Or get the new job,
Or the new relationship.
Begin now.... And do the best you can!

NEW: Singles Reflections Recommended Reads

2005-11-28T22:14:00.000-08:00

Oprah has hers. If you've been searching for answers like I have, here's a good place to start. It's not really a club. It's basically "recommended reads."

http://singlesreflectionsbooks.blogspot.com/

Obsession / Obsessive Thinking

2005-11-15T10:15:00.000-08:00

[How many of us have not faced this problem at one time or another in our lives? Here are some answers.]

Obsession / Obsessive Thinking
By Robert Burney

(Reprinted by Expressed Permission of Author)
http://joy2meu.com/obsessive_thinking.htm
http://joy2meu.com/Obsession_2.htm
Main Site: http://joy2meu.com/index.html

"We were taught to approach life from a perspective of fear, survival, lack and scarcity. . . . . . We were taught that life is about destinations, and that when we get to point x - be it marriage or college degree or fame and fortune or whatever - we will live happily ever after.

That is not the way life works. You know that now, and probably threw out that fairy tale ending stuff intellectually a long time ago. But on some emotional level we keep looking for it because that is what the children in us were taught. We keep living life as if it is a dress rehearsal for "when our ship comes in." For when we really start to live. For when we get that relationship, or accomplishment, or money that will make us okay, that will fix us.

We do not need fixing. We are not broken. Our sense of self, our self perception, was shattered and fractured and broken into pieces, not our True Self.

"Life is not some kind of test, that if we fail, we will be punished. We are not human creatures who are being punished by an avenging god. We are not trapped in some kind of tragic place out of which we have to earn our way by doing the "right" things.

We are Spiritual Beings having a human experience. We are here to learn. We are here to go through this process that is life. We are here to feel these feelings.

Doing our emotional healing allows us to feel clear about what is in front of us instead of torturing ourselves by obsessively thinking, trying to figure out what's right and what's wrong.

Obsessive thinking is an emotional defense that, like all of the various manifestations of codependency, is dysfunctional. Being in our heads - thinking, fantasizing, ruminating - is a defense we adapted in childhood to help us disassociate from the emotional pain we were experiencing. It is dysfunctional because it keeps us focused on the future or the past - we miss out on being alive today. It is dysfunctional because our attempts to escape unpleasant feelings causes us to generate more unpleasant feelings.

Worry - which is negative fantasizing - is a reaction to fear of the unknown which creates more fear, which creates more worry, which creates more fear, etc. This fear is not a normal human fear of the unknown. It is codependent fear: a distorted, magnified, virulent, mutated species of fear caused by the poisonous combination of a false belief that being human is shameful with a polarized (black and white, right and wrong) perspective of life. This self perpetuating, self destructive type of obsessive thinking feeds not only on fear, but on shaming ourselves for feeling the fear.

The disease of codependency is a dysfunctional emotional defense system adapted by our egos to help us survive. The polarized perspective of life we were programmed with in early childhood, causes us to be afraid of making a mistake, of doing life "wrong." At the core of our being,we feel unlovable and unworthy - because our parents felt unlovable and unworthy - and we spend great amounts of energy trying to keep our shameful defectiveness a secret. We feel that, if we were perfect like we "should" be, we would not feel fear and confusion, and would have reached "happily ever after" by now. So, we shame ourselves for feeling fear, which adds gasoline to the inferno of fear that is driving us. The shame and fear that drive obsession becomes so painful and 'crazy making' that at some point we have to find some way to shut down our minds for a little while - drugs or alcohol or food or sleep or television, etc.

It is a very dysfunctional, and sad, way to relate to life. The fear we are empowering is about the future - the shame is about the past. We are not capable of being in the now and enjoying life because we are caught up in trauma melodramas about things which have not yet happened - or wallowing in orgies of self recrimination about the past, which can not be changed. Codependents do not really live life - we endure, we survive, we persevere.

Obsessive thinking and compulsive behavior is caused by, and fed by, fear and shame. The feeling that the world will come to an end if ____ doesn't happen, or that it has come to an end because ____ happened, is a feeling coming from the wounded inner child. It is the result of early childhood emotional trauma - and the subconscious programming adapted by our egos to help us survive at a time when we were helpless and powerless.

An adult is not helpless and powerless. We are, however, powerless to know that, as long as we are unconsciously reacting to repressed emotional energy and subconscious programming. It is impossible to see our self or life clearly when we are caught up in trauma dramas (internally and externally) that feel life threatening. In our codependency, we are in denial of our emotions at the same time we are allowing the feelings of the wounded child within to define and dictate our lives.

Getting into recovery from codependency, starting to learn how to do the inner child work, will help a person take power away from the fear and shame that drives the disease - that causes the obsessive thinking. Learning to be compassionate in our relationship with our self - by not shaming ourselves for being wounded human beings - will help us to take power away from the obsessive thinking. Starting to choose to believe that there is a benevolent Force in the Universe, a Loving Higher Power, will facilitate taking power away from the fear of the unknown.

Love is the answer to obsession - but not the love of another person. Learning to be Loving to our self - and remembering that there is a Loving Higher Power, is the best way I have ever found to stop obsessive thinking.

I learned a lot about the wounding process of codependency by studying cases of people with multiple personality disorder. Anyone raised in an emotionally dishonest, dysfunctional culture had their relationship with themselves - their psyche - shattered and fractured into multiple disjointed segments in childhood. People with multiple personality / Dissociative Identity Disorder were pushed farther than the rest of us. The recovery process for the normal form of codependency and the more extreme multiple personality variety both require reclaiming and integrating these different parts of self into a functional internal structure that allows us to put a mature adult in charge of our internal dynamics instead of the wounded inner children or the critical parent / disease programming.

In relationship to obsessive thinking, the manifestation of codependency that is the extreme, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD, which involves such things as: washing hands repeatedly; or returning to the apartment multiple times to make sure the stove is turned off; etc.) will probably require medication to bring the disorder under control enough to be able to focus on recovery. Like other conditions/diseases that are fueled by the reactive condition of codependency, and that involve a genetic predisposition and/or compulsively self destructive behavior (alcoholism, some eating disorders, extreme forms of relationship or sexual addiction, etc.), it is sometimes necessary to bring the symptoms under control before the cause can be addressed - but addressing the cause is vital in making possible significant, long term changes in the symptomatic behavioral disorders.

Traditional Western medical science has ignored and discounted the spiritual and emotional components of being. The traditional medical perspective in relationship to any physically or psychologically manifested dis-ease is limited by a left brain (concrete, rational) intellectual paradigm which is entirely focused on that which can be seen, measured, quantified. Therefore, any spiritual, emotional, and mental dis-ease is seen as resulting from biochemical, physiological, physical conditions. Doctors (which includes psychiatrists of course) - and other traditional medical and mental health professionals - were trained to identify mental and emotional problems as biological and to see the solution as chemical.

There are certainly neurobiological aspects to any behavioral manifestation, but it is not possible for a scientific perspective which requires empirical proof to truly ascertain the cause of any condition - because emotional and spiritual components of a human's being can not be quantified. In other words, brain chemistry is definitely out of balance in relationship to any physical disorder or mental condition - including OCD, Bi-Polar Disorder, Depression, etc. That imbalance in brain chemistry definitely has an impact on emotions - but it is not possible to say absolutely which is the cause and which is the effect. The chicken and egg conundrum. In other words, did the emotional trauma and the fear and shame based relationship to life cause the chemical imbalance in the brain - or did the chemical imbalance come first. Traditional Western medicine is not holistic - it does not treat the whole being, it treats symptoms. Medication is necessary for some people. It is an invaluable temporary help for others. It is not the whole answer. The great majority of doctors are limited by their training, the intellectual paradigm which determines their perspective, to believing that they do know the answers.

In my belief and experience, a person's relationship to any dis-ease can be improved by the adaptation and integration of a Loving Spiritual belief system.

It is vital to change our relationship with our own emotions in order to take power away from the distorted, magnified, virulent, mutated variety of fear that drives obsession so that we can stop the compulsive behavior that is driven by repressed emotional energy. And the underlying reason that fear is given so much power is the shame about being human that is at the foundation of our relationship with self.

Taking power away from the shame so that we can take power away from the fear is greatly facilitated by becoming involved in a twelve step Spiritual recovery program in order to develop some kind of benevolent spiritual relationship with life.

Here is a quote from an article on my web site about spirituality.

"My own personal Spiritual belief system is one form of spirituality. It is certainly not the only one. Mine works for me very well in helping me to have a relationship with life that allows me to be happier today. It is not necessary for you to accept my belief system in order for you to use the tools, techniques, and perspectives that I have developed for emotional healing / codependence recovery / inner child integration.

For the purposes of this discussion of spiritual integration, I would now define what I refer to as a Spiritual Awakening in the quote above, as: being open to a larger perspective - awakening from being trapped in a limiting perspective. In this regard, spiritual would be a qualifier, an adjective, that describes the quality of one's relationship with life.

This adjective, spiritual, would be (in my definition) a word describing an expanded level of consciousness. A level of consciousness, of awareness, that is expansive and inclusive and facilitates personal growth - as opposed to limited, exclusive, rigid, and inhibiting growth, development, and alternative view points.

By this definition, any religion that claims to be the chosen one, that excludes alternative perspectives or certain people, is not spiritual." - The Recovery Process for inner child healing - spiritual integration

So, basically what I am saying, is that codependency (which includes an addictive, toxic, abusive concept of love) is the problem and Love is the solution. Any belief system that empowers separation, fear and shame is codependent in my definition - not spiritual. There is a saying I like: "Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there." It is possible to be spiritual without being religious, and possible to connect spiritually within a religion - but some religion as it is practiced is not at all spiritual.

Recovery is a process of learning to stop living in the hell that the illusion of separation - which empowers fear and shame - created, and start living life based upon remembering that we are connected to everyone and everything in Love.

I spent most of my life doing the Serenity prayer backwards, that is, trying to change the external things over which I had no control - other people and life events mostly - and taking no responsibility (except shaming and blaming myself) for my own internal process - over which I can have some degree of control. Having some control is not a bad thing; trying to control something or somebody over which I have no control is what is dysfunctional. It was very important for me to start learning how to recognize the boundaries of where I ended and other people began, and to start realizing that I can have some control over my internal process in ways that are not shaming and judgmental - that I can stop being the victim of myself.

One of the most ridiculous forms that obsession used to take for me, would involve me actually writing out the script of a conversation with a woman who was unavailable to me in some way. I would write pages and pages. I would say this, and then she would say that, and then I would say, etc., etc. This conversation would build to a the climax where I would say just the right words and suddenly she would understand. She would see the light and rush into my arms in overwhelming gratitude as she awakened to how good I was for her and how much I loved her. And then we would live happily ever after.

The trouble was, she never had the same script I did.

Looking back, it is both silly and sad to remember the amount of time and energy I would put into figuring out just the right words to say to get the other person to see how much she needed me.

Obsessive thinking for me was always about trying to fill the hole within. I would focus on a person or the outcome of a situation as the thing that would fix me. Or I would obsess about getting the substance that I needed to temporarily fill the hole within until I got the person or outcome that I thought I needed.

The delusion was that once I got the relationship, or the money, or the job, or whatever, then I could really start to live. That person or outcome was the missing ingredient in my life that would make me happy and whole - that would fix me.

All codependents have some obsessive tendencies. Some of the flavors of obsessive thinking are: the alcoholic who starts thinking about where he/she is going for a drink after work, while eating breakfast; the drug addict who starts feeling some panic when the prescription bottle or the baggy is almost empty and starts urgently focusing on replenishing the supply; the person whose relationship has ended who focuses on the good times and ignores the bad, or who focuses on what an awful villain the other person is - and keeps trying to find allies to support that view by telling horror stories to friends (who will then be baffled and confused when the person jumps at the chance to go back into the relationship); the person who is always focused on eating, or dieting; the person who is constantly thinking about money, or the lack of it, and projecting fantasies of grandiose jackpots or homeless ruination; the person who obsessively cleans house because their fear of the unknown drives them to focus on that which they can control; etc., etc.

Someone told me as some point in my recovery, that what I focused my mind on was what I was worshiping. I didn't want to hear that, but I came to see that there was Truth in it.

Obsessive thinking is about focusing externally in order to escape from our self, from the fear and shame we feel at the core of our being. When we obsess on another person, thing, or outcome of a situation as our savior, as the magical ingredient that is going to fix us, as the prince / princess / success that is going to get us to "happily ever after," we are making that external source our higher power, our god. The opposite extreme is, of course, when we focus on either our self, or another person, thing, or situation as the villain who has destroyed our lives.

To paraphrase something I said in my March article here - Letting Go of Unavailable People - what is so important, is to stop focusing on an external source as the cause of, or solution to, our problems. It is vital to start focusing on what we do have some control over instead of things which we cannot control.

One of the most powerful tools in my recovery from the beginning has been The Serenity Prayer. The Serenity Prayer is a very simple formula, a template, for how to live life in a way that works. Accept the things I cannot change - change the things I can.

Focusing my time and energy on trying to change another person, or on controlling the outcome of a situation is a dysfunctional way to live life because it is not really living. Living happens in the moment - not in the future or the past.

One of the most important things I learned to do to counteract obsessive thinking was to pull myself back into the moment. Take some deep breaths and get into my body in the moment. Look around me and see where I am and what is happening now. And then take some action.

I cannot force myself to stop obsessing. Shaming myself, "should"ing on myself, threatening myself, will not stop me from obsessing. It is not possible to stop obsessing by obsessing about the obsession.

It was very valuable for me in recovery to realize that I cannot force myself out of an emotional place - I can't force my process. I learned that I needed to accept where ever I was emotionally - no matter how uncomfortable. Once I accept where I am at, then I can take some action that will be helpful in moving me to a different emotional place.

One of the things I have control over, that I have the power to change, is what I am doing in the moment. I have the power to force myself to take an action. Not because I "should" - because it is the kind thing to do for me.

Allowing myself to be in my head wallowing in the agony of the trauma drama that is obsession is not a kind thing to do for myself. Getting up and getting in motion is a good thing.

I take the deep breaths to get into the moment. I look around and see that the sink is full of dirty dishes. So I do the dishes. Then as I am drying my hands I look around and notice what a beautiful day it is outside. So, I go out and take a walk.

It was vital for me to learn to take action in alignment with my recovery. Working the third step in the twelve step program - "Made a decision to turn my will and life over to the care" of a Higher Power as I understand him/her/it - is a step of action. It is not enough to have faith - we need to take action based upon that belief.

Love, like faith, is not just a theoretical concept. Love requires action. Loving ourselves means taking actions that are good for us, that are kind and Loving. I will talk some more in my next article here about applying the Serenity Prayer in our lives - learning to take responsibility for the things I can change as a way of being Loving to my self.

Letting Go of Unavailable People

2005-11-14T19:07:00.000-08:00

[We all have our own "sh*t." Being Single is a great opportunity to take a close look at our own sh*t. This is a GREAT article, from a website that has helped me beyond measure. Read it with an open mind. You may not be ready for some of it, but "take what you can use and leave the rest" if you need to for now.]

Letting Go of Unavailable People
By Robert Burney

(Reprinted by Expressed Permission of Author)
http://joy2meu.com/letting_go.html
Main Site: http://joy2meu.com/index.html

In our disease defense system we build up huge walls to protect ourselves and then - as soon as we meet someone who will help us to repeat our patterns of abuse, abandonment, betrayal, and/or deprivation - we lower the drawbridge and invite them in. We, in our Codependence, have radar systems which cause us to be attracted to, and attract to us, the people, who for us personally, are exactly the most untrustworthy (or unavailable or smothering or abusive or whatever we need to repeat our patterns) individuals - exactly the ones who will "push our buttons."

This happens because those people feel familiar. Unfortunately in childhood the people whom we trusted the most - were the most familiar - hurt us the most. So the effect is that we keep repeating our patterns and being given the reminder that it is not safe to trust ourselves or other people.

Once we begin healing we can see that the Truth is that it is not safe to trust as long as we are reacting out of the emotional wounds and attitudes of our childhoods. Once we start Recovering, then we can begin to see that on a Spiritual level these repeating behavior patterns are opportunities to heal the childhood wounds.

I spent most of my life being the victim of my own thoughts, my own emotions, my own behaviors. I was consistently picking untrustworthy people to trust and unavailable people to love. I could not trust my own emotions because I was incapable of being honest with myself emotionally - which made me incapable of Truly being honest on any level.

Codependency is an incredibly insidious, treacherous dis-ease. It is a compulsively reactive condition in which our ego programming from childhood dictates how we live our lives today. As long as we are not in recovery from our codependency, we are powerless to make clear choices in discerning rather someone we are attracted to is a available for a healthy relationship - we are in fact, doomed to keep repeating patterns.

Emotionally we are drawn to people who feel familiar on an energetic level. That is, people who, on an emotional vibrational level, resonate with us as being familiar. It feels to us as if we have a strong connection to those people. In other words, we have an inner radar system that causes us to be attracted to people who resonate vibrationally in a way that is familiar on an emotionally intimate level. We are attracted to people whose inner emotional dynamic is similar to our most powerful and earliest experience of emotional intimacy and love - our parents.

No matter how much we are making an effort on a conscious level to not pick anyone like our parents, energetically we feel a strong attraction to people whose inner emotional dynamic is similar to our first experience of love. It was very important for me to get aware of the reality that if I met someone who felt like my soul mate, I had better watch out. Those are exactly the people who will fit my patterns - recreate my wounding.

It was very important for me to recognize the power of this type of attraction. And also to realize, that on a Spiritual level, these people were teachers who were in my life to help me get in touch with my childhood wounds. It was vital for me to start being aware that if I met someone who felt like my soul mate it did not mean we were going to live happily ever after. What it meant was that I was being given another wonderful, and painful, opportunity for growth.

Becoming conscious of these emotional energetic dynamics was a very important part of owning my power. My power to make choices, to accept consequences, to take responsibility for my choices and consequences - and to not buy into the belief that I was being victimized by the other person, or my own defectiveness.

Recognizing unavailability in the other person does not mean that I have to let go of the relationship - at least not immediately, it could be something I will decide to do eventually.

What is so important, is to let go of focusing on that person as the cause of, or solution to, my problems. As long as we are focusing on the other person and buying into the illusion that if we just: work a little harder; lose some more weight; make some more money; do and/or say the right things; whatever; that person will change and be everything we want them to be.

Codependents focus on others to keep from looking at self. We need to let go of focusing on the other person and start focusing inside to understand what is happening. Our adult patterns, the people we have been in relationship with, are symptoms - effects of our childhood wounding. We cannot solve a problem without looking at the cause. Focusing on symptoms (which our society is famous for: war on drugs; war on poverty: etc.) will not heal the cause.

The reason that we get involved with people who are unavailable, is because we are unavailable. We are attracted to people who feel familiar because on some level we are still trying to prove our worth by earning the Love and respect of our unavailable parents. We think we are going to rescue the other person which will prove our worth - or that we need them to rescue us because of our lack of worth. The princess will kiss me and turn me from a frog into a prince, the prince will rescue me and take me to live in the castle, syndrome.

We need to own our own worth - our own "Prince or Princess" ness - before we can be available for a healthy relationship with some one who has owned their own worth.

It is not possible to love someone enough to get them to stop hating, and being unavailable, to them self. We need to let go of that delusion. We need to focus on healing our self - on understanding and healing the emotional wounds that have driven us to pick people who could not give us what we want emotionally. We need to develop some healthy emotional intimacy with ourselves before we are capable of being available for a healthy relationships with someone who is also available.

Is it Love or Obsession

2005-11-12T11:45:00.000-08:00

[I've gone through a long and painful journey since I started this blog. I'm just going to start posting some of the things I've learned. I never would have learned these things if it had not been for the pain.]

The Obsessive Love Wheel
Excerpted from Confusing Love with Obsession
By JOHN D. MOORE, MS, CADC
(Reprinted by Expressed Permission of Author)
Credits at end of post.

The Case of Obsessive Relational Progression

So how do you know if you have developed an unhealthy attachment to another person? By examining the Obsessive Love Wheel (OLW), which is designed to illustrate an overall process called Obsessive Relational Progression (ORP) [the specific attachment style of people Who Confuse Love with Obsession] it may be possible to recognize if you have a problem. There are four phases of ORP and each one carries unique behaviors. As demonstrated through the wheel, once an unhealthy attachment to another starts, the person who Confuses Love with Obsession begins to lose emotional control.

It is called a "wheel" because it is always turning, round and round as the relationship continues. Sometimes the wheel turns quickly, other times slowly, but it is always turning and always painful. While examining the wheel, look for any patterns of behavior in your relationship(s) and ask yourself: "Do either I or the person I am involved with behave this way?"

OBSESSIVE LOVE WHEEL ©As Part of Obsessive Relational Progression

PHASE ONE THE ATTRACTION PHASE:
The initial phase of ORP is characterized by an instantaneous and overwhelming attraction to another person. It is at this point the relationally dependent person becomes "hooked" on a romantic interest, usually resulting from the slightest bit of attention from the person they are attracted to. Phase One ORP behaviors can include:

• An instant attraction to romantic interest, usually occurring within the first few minutes of meeting.

• An immediate urge to rush into a relationship regardless of compatibility.

• Becoming "hooked on the look" of another, focusing on the person's physical characteristics while ignoring personality differences.

• Unrealistic fantasies about a relationship with a love interest, assigning "magical" qualities to an object of affection.

• The beginnings of obsessive, controlling behaviors begin to manifest.

PHASE TWO THE ANXIOUS PHASE:

This phase in considered a relational turning point, which usually occurs after a commitment has been made between both parties. Sometimes however, the relationally dependent person will enter into this phase without the presence of a commitment. This happens when the afflicted person creates the illusion of intimacy, regardless of the other person's true feelings. The second phase of ORP behaviors can include:

• Unfounded thoughts of infidelity on the part of a partner and demanding accountability for normal daily activities.

• An overwhelming fear of abandonment, including baseless thoughts of a partner walking out on the relationship in favor of another person.

• The need to constantly be in contact with a love interest via phone, email or in person.

• Strong feelings of mistrust begin to emerge, causing depression, resentment and relational tension.

• The continuation and escalation of obsessive, controlling behaviors.

PHASE THREE THE OBSESSIVE PHASE:

This particular phase represents the rapid escalation of this unhealthy attachment style. It is at this point that obsessive, controlling behaviors reach critical mass, ultimately overwhelming the RD person's life. It is also at this point that the person being controlled begins to pull back and ultimately, severs the relationship. In short, Phase Three is characterized by a total loss of control on the part of the RD person, resulting from extreme anxiety. Usually, the following characteristics are apparent during the third phase of ORP.

• The onset of "tunnel vision," meaning that the relationally dependent person cannot stop thinking about a love interest and required his or her constant attention.

• Neurotic, compulsive behaviors, including rapid telephone calls to love interest's place of residence or workplace.

• Unfounded accusations of "cheating" due to extreme anxiety.

• "Drive-bys" around a love interest's home or place of employment, with the goal of assuring that the person is at where "he or she is supposed to be."

• Physical or electronic monitoring activities, following a love interest's whereabouts throughout the course of a day to discover daily activities.

• Extreme control tactics, including questioning a love interest's commitment to the relationship (guilt trips) with the goal of manipulating a love interest into providing more attention.

PHASE FOUR DESTRUCTIVE PHASE:

This is the final phase of Obsessive Relational Progression. It represents the destruction of the relationship, due to phase three behaviors, which have caused a love interest to understandably flee. For a variety of reasons, this is considered the most dangerous of the four phases, because the RD person suddenly plummets into a deep depression due to the collapse of the relationship. Here are some of the more common behaviors that are exhibited during phase four of ORP:
• Overwhelming feelings of depression (feeling "empty" inside).

• A sudden loss of self-esteem, due to the collapse of the relationship.

• Extreme feelings of self-blame and at times, self-hatred.

• Anger, rage and a desire to seek revenge against a love interest for breaking off the relationship.

• Denial that the relationship has ended and attempting to "win a loved one back" by making promises to "change".

• The use of drugs, alcohol, food or sex to "medicate" the emotional pain.

SUMMARY
If your behaviors mirrored the various phases or the Obsessive Love Wheel, then it may be time to learn more. Obsessive Relational Progression is a problem that does not get better on its own and does not get better over time. Sadly for many people, the only way they can get off their frenzied wheel is by jumping onto a new one.

About the Author:
JOHN D. MOORE, MS, CADC is the author of Confusing Love With Obsession: When You Can't Stop Controlling Your Partner & the Relationship (Writer's Club Press), a book containing a variety of case histories regarding people who use controlling behaviors in personal relationships. Moore is a certified addictions counselor in the state of Illinois and a Professor of Health Sciences at American Public University. Learn more at Johndmoore.net

"The Awakening"

2005-09-06T20:06:00.000-07:00

[I've been away for awhile. On a deep, dark, beautiful path back to myself. Here is part of what I've learned]

"The Awakening"

A time comes in your life when you finally get it...when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out...ENOUGH!

Enough fighting and crying and blaming and struggling to hold on.

Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening.

You realize it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to magically appear over the next horizon.

You realize that in the real world there aren't always fairy tale endings, and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you... and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are... and that's OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions.

You learn the importance of loving and championing yourself... and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.

You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you - or didn't do for you - and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.

You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that everything isn't always about you.

So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself... and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties... and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.

You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with.

You learn that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix.

You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don't know everything, it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing.

You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You learn that alone does not mean lonely.

You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes.

You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs.

You learn that your body really is your temple. You begin to care for it and treat it with respect.

You begin to eat a balanced diet, drink more water, and take more time to exercise.

You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest.

And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul.

So you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you believe you allow, and that much of life
truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen.

More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and
perseverance.

You also learn that no one can do it all alone, and that it's OK to risk asking for help.

You learn the only thing you must truly fear is fear itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms.

You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.

You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people... and you learn not to always take it personally.

You learn that nobody's punishing you and everything isn't always somebody's fault. It's just life happening.

You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.

You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Then, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart's desire.

You make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind.

Finally, with courage in your heart, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best you can.

Author Unknown

Another Resource - Parents Without Partners

2005-04-16T08:15:00.000-07:00

Parents Without Partners - All Single Parents Are Welcome!

The problems are many in bringing up our children alone, contending with the emotional conflicts of divorce, never-married, separation or widowhood. PWP Inc. is the only international organization that provides real help in the way of discussions, professional speakers, study groups, publications and social activities for families and adults. Through the exchange of ideas and companionship, we hope to further our common welfare and the well-being of our children...

http://www.parentswithoutpartners.org/

Good Singles Information and Resources

2005-04-16T08:07:00.000-07:00

Single Minutes: Thank You EURweb Readers!
By Kathy White

April 7, 2005

I would like to personally thank all of the EUR readers who have taken the time to reach out to me and the Single Minutes cause. Since my articles debuted on EURweb, I have received hundreds of e-mails about your single parenting issues and how my articles relate to your experiences. Since I didn’t even invite you to share your stories, I am so touched. Some of you have shared remarkable stories about your single parenting experience, or just cute little one-liners like “We had a Dr. Seuss party when I was in 1st grade.” Many others have shared heart-wrenching stories that made me cry and just thank God for the survival element.

Single Minutes is my nationally syndicated 60-second daily radio vignette that provides tips and resources on the single parenting experience. This program and platform is not about me, but for all who are part of the single parenting experience.

Here are some staggering statistics associated with children living in single parenting households: Fatherless homes account for 63% of youth suicides, 90% of homeless/runaway children, 85% of children with behavioral problems, 71% of high school dropouts, 85% of youths in prison and more than 50% of teen mothers.

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, the decline in married couples with children has become a significant issue. Sixty-five percent (65%) of family households with children under 18 years have both parents. Thirty percent (30%) of family households with children under 18 years of age only have one parent. In layman’s terms, 3-4 out of every 10 children in this country come from single parent households. Meanwhile, this number is growing.

You may ask, “What does this mean?” It means that single parents need as many forums, media outlets and governmental resources as possible to recognize that the “traditional family unit” does not always include a father, mother and children. And you don’t have to be practically impoverished as a single parent to get assistance for your child’s health care, educational expenses, child care, home mortgage program and all that is available to help us raise and manage our single parent households on our own.

There is a serious breakdown of the family unit. Remember when Daddy Bush was in office and the “Murphy Brown” television show was airing. Vice President Dan Quayle commented on the fact that she was an unmarried woman who was pregnant on a nationally televised show. He basically said “That is not family values.” The general consensus is that single parenting happens to ‘other’ people. But with the increasing divorce rate, AIDS epidemic, women consciously choosing to be mothers without being married, child abandonment by mothers and fathers due to incarceration and… I could go on and on with circumstances causing a serious epidemic around the country and the world.

Television shows like “Maury” capitalize on the “You are not the father” theme. I must admit, it can be funny and entertaining. Yet it’s sad when you know exactly what the response will be if he is not the father. The mom runs off the stage crying, and then Maury comforts her and assures her that they will help her find “the daddy”. In worst case scenarios, the mom brings back three, four, five or even more men. Sometimes they get pregnant again, back in the same situation. Maybe if Maury and company provided education stipends to some of those young parents, the parents could justify exploiting themselves for a free hotel stay and plane ride. What kind of impression is set in a child’s psyche, knowing his mother exploited herself on TV trying to find his daddy? You know that people are cruel and someone is going to tease them years later, reminding them of exactly what happened.

Again, I would like to thank you so much for sharing and reaching out to the cause. I would like to include some of your “short” stories in my articles. So please keep writing and sharing with me! In the next couple of weeks, my articles will have a new flavor. So stay tuned!

“It is truly all about unity, support and love.”

Stay up! God Bless!

Love ... Kathy

E-mail your stories or comments to info@singleminutes.com

Kathy White is a motivational speaker, writer and survivor who speaks to diverse audiences of men, women, teenagers and religious groups on the subjects: Prevention of Teen Pregnancy, Single Parent Empowerment, and Don’t be a Victim of Your Circumstances. Kathy White became a mother at fifteen. Her son is now a college senior. She was a pediatric nurse of over fourteen years and served as an account executive with Radio Disney. Kathy White started her own company, Adipose Entertainment, Inc. which is based in Charlotte, NC. She is creator and host of Single Minutes a nationally syndicated 60-second daily radio show for empowering single parents. Kathy is also penning her first book.

To hear the program and get more information, visit her website http://www.singleminutes.com/

2005-04-16T07:59:00.000-07:00

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."
Dr. Seuss

Mentors Help Other Parents Deal With Socioeconomic Problems

2005-03-27T15:14:00.000-08:00

By STEPHANIE DUNNEWIND - The Seattle Times, Mar. 27, 2005

SEATTLE — Mentor Tracy LeBel introduces her mentee Patty White, 24, as “my friend.” She invited White and her daughter, Grace Vaglio, 2, to her children’s recent joint birthday party, and she has them over for dinner.

Despite the 12-year age difference and the socioeconomic gap between the stay-at-home mom, LeBel, and the single working one, White, the moms bonded over parenting kids the same age.

The duo was paired through Children’s Home Society’s Healthy Start Parent Mentor Program for young moms. It’s one of a handful of Seattle-area efforts to mentor parents and families who face challenges from social isolation, youth or poverty.

Two of the programs, Healthy Start and the Model Family Mentorship Program, celebrate their 10th anniversaries this year. The new Mom2Mom Project through the Stroum Jewish Community Center and the Model Family program are unique in the country, as far as their research has found. Though they target different groups — one young moms, one Jewish moms and one single parents — all emphasize respectful, nonjudgmental support through listening and friendship.

“No one has all the answers on how to raise kids or provide for a family,” said Gary Boone, chairman of the Seattle-based Model Family program and recent best man at his mentee’s wedding. “But mentors have access to resources and can pass those on.”

The programs work with parents, but kids benefit, too. “We know from research that when moms are supported and their relationship with their baby is supported, then babies thrive,” said Marjorie Schnyder, who coordinates the Mom2Mom Project for Jewish Family Service. “A mom’s emotional well-being really impacts the baby.”

That’s what motivated LeBel to volunteer. “I was never a single mom, but I was a mom without support,” said LeBel, whose family all lives on the East Coast. When her daughter Sophia, 7, was born, they’d just moved to the West Coast, her husband worked long hours and none of her friends had babies.

“I didn’t have a community to help me. I thought I’d have something to offer in terms of support, if (a mentee) needed a friend to bounce ideas off. It’s hard with your first baby; you feel like you don’t know what you’re doing.”

LeBel was matched with White, then 22, within a few days of Grace’s birth. LeBel’s son Gilbert, 3, is a few months older than Grace and the kids play together.

“I try to be the person in her life who encourages her,” said LeBel, who lives in Bothell, Wash., with her husband, Hardy, a video-game developer. “You need that when it’s your first kid. I reinforce she’s doing a super job with Grace.”

For the first year, White didn’t have a car, so LeBel drove her to the food bank during their weekly meetings. “We’d chat in the car, and I’d play with the kids while she went to go get stuff.”

White left her job as a waitress when Grace was born and needed a day job to make child care easier. LeBel drove her around to pick up job applications and check out day-care centers. When White needed baby equipment, they hit garage sales; Healthy Start also helps mentees with supplies.

LeBel’s organized Type A personality is tempered by White’s laid-back approach. “She’s so calm,” LeBel said. “Her attitude is, ‘Things happen, things work out.’ I think I worry about her life more than she does.

“The hardest thing for me is not jumping in to solve everything,” she admitted. “I think I’ve learned as much from her.”

During a recent get-together, White shared good news about a recent pay raise at her job at Curves and a possible move into a bigger apartment with her boyfriend. From her Day-Timer, she pulled out a new Santa picture of Grace, a petite charmer with big brown eyes. “She’s the smartest kid in the whole school,” White said. “She is! The teachers tell me that all the time.”

Sometimes they meet at the park or children’s museums or go for a walk. Today they hang out at LeBel’s house and make peanut-butter cookies with the kids. They talk about kid TV shows and Grace’s new molars. “She wakes up screaming and saying her mouth hurts,” White says. “What are you giving her?” LeBel asks. “Tylenol,” replies White. LeBel considers. “Have you tried a Popsicle?”

“She’s helped if I ever had any questions,” White explains later. “When Grace got her first teeth, Tracy had great ideas to help, like putting a wet washcloth in the freezer for her to chew on. Since it was my first child and I was doing it by myself, it was nice to have someone to ask.”

Has she changed anything she does because of having a mentor?

“My life was totally different before I was in the program,” White said.

Mentors help the young moms set goals — whether related to parenting, career, housing — every six months. White aims to get Grace off her pacifier and start potty training.

Mentors, who go through extensive training, check children for developmental milestones, make sure immunizations are up to date and offer positive discipline techniques.

“The biggest misconception is mentors don’t come in to save the day,” said mentor coordinator Karen Wilson, who works with 35 mentees a year, some as young as 14. “It takes time, commitment and patience.”

Having a friend when you’re a mom new to the area or without extended family can make it easier to connect with others, said Mom2Mom’s Schnyder.

“A lot of what’s out there for moms is going to a group,” Schnyder said. “But not everyone wants a group — and then there’s nothing for them.”

Some shy moms eventually do join a mom’s support group or mom-baby activity time after they first attend with a mentor. “That way, a mentor can introduce them around and they don’t have to go on their own,” Schnyder explained. “They walk in with someone by their side.”

Unlike other local mentor groups, which focus on mothers, the Model Family program also serves single fathers. Out of the 45 Seattle mentees, about 10 are single dads, said Boone, who has seen a 50-percent jump in single fathers involved in the program in the last three years.

“He’s been there for me during rough times and during good times,” said Kurt VonWetzel of Federal Way, a single dad of three who Boone mentored for eight years. Now that VonWetzel recently remarried — with Boone as his best man — he hopes to become a mentor himself.

When VonWetzel was unemployed, Boone linked him with community help for food and rent, as well as offering job-search tips. “They don’t look down on you because you don’t have a high income,” said VonWetzel, whose kids are 8, 17 and 20. “He treated me like a good friend. I really appreciated it.”

Nurtured Relationships Last Longer

2005-03-13T04:17:00.001-08:00

Daily Illini - Independent Student Newspaper - University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign
Wednesday, March 9, 2005

[To have a friend, BE a friend. One of life's simple truths. So how does one BE a friend?]

By Lovette Ajayi

Relationships are hard, whether between family members, romantic partners, or just friends. With the exception of family, however, all our relationships are bound simply by free will. Bonds between unrelated individuals can be broken pretty easily and must be nurtured in order to strengthen them.

Besides family, friends are our immediate support system, and their presence can sometimes be taken for granted. We get used to having them around and assume they will always be there when we need them. This can be true, but this assumption might also be the reason why some people experience a revolving door of friends coming and leaving. This is particularly the case when we have friends back home, and we subconsciously neglect them, with weeks, sometimes months, going by before we realize we haven't talked to them in a while.

Like the game The Sims, a friendship needs maintenance. In the game, when you make friends, you have to keep in touch with them, otherwise your relationship points decrease, and they are eventually no longer considered "friends." Of course real life cannot be taken this literally, but the same concept should apply to the people that matter to us. The fact that we have a group of friends close to us can result in the disregard of our long distance ones and, in time, can end friendships.

Our arrival at college leads to us making a new group of friends, and this is perfectly OK. However, when these new relationships lead to us pushing older friends aside, we might need to re-evaluate our motives. We must not forget those who were with us in the beginning, and although it might take more effort, it is important that we don't lose those friends that knew us when we went through that phase we'd like to forget about; those who your mother treats like they were hers, and those who know your whole family and get invited to the reunion.

Another thing to keep in mind in maintaining stronger friendships is reciprocity. This refers to the mutual exchange of gestures or words that show consideration. This means that when you need to vent, you know that you can call your friends up and get an outlet for your issues.

On the other hand, it should also mean that you could be counted on for the same thing. People must learn to sacrifice their time, and it can go a long way. "A true friend is someone who is there for you when they would rather be some place else." I've heard this quote many times before, and the source is unbeknownst to me, but it rings true.

To have a friend, you have to be a friend. Keep in mind that expectations must be reciprocal, and sometimes, maybe we could even do more than expected. Let's go out on a limb and call one of our friends up randomly. If you see one of your crewmembers feeling less than happy, take time out of your day to talk to them and make them feel a little better. Little gestures like this go a long way.

The word "friend" is often used too loosely. Truly great friends are hard to find. When we find people worthy of the title, it's essential that we hold on to them, because they can be our strongest support system and pull us through harsh times. We don't often acknowledge their significance enough, and in turn can lose some of our most valuable assets. Nevertheless, simple things can make that promise of "Friends Forever" come true. It's the little things that count. Stay positive, folks!

Happily Married Couples Live Longer than Their Unhappy Counterparts

2005-03-07T16:40:00.000-08:00

A Positive Marriage Results in Lower Levels of the Stress Hormone Cortisol Says Ohio State Study

[I guess this would be a good reason to choose a partner carefully!]

For two decades Ohio State University has been studying 90 couples from the time they were newlyweds to learn about how personal relationships affect health. Specifically, the study has focused on how stress impacts the body's immune system. The conclusion: Happily Married Couples Live Longer Than Their Unhappy Counterparts

Plymouth, MI (PRWEB) March 7, 2005 -- Not only is a healthy marriage important to your emotional well being but also will likely be a reason why you are going to live a long life.

Recent studies make it clear that finding the right mate will not only boost your mental health but will help men and women live longer.

For two decades Ohio State University has been studying 90 couples from the time they were newlyweds to learn about how personal relationships affect health. Specifically, the study has focused on how stress impacts the body's immune system.

The major finding is that a positive marriage relationship results in lower levels of the stress hormone cortisol. The lower the level of cortisol the faster body begins healing. The study has found happily married older couples face less risk of infectious diseases.

Couples living in an unhappy marriage produced higher levels of cortisol and experienced poor health. While men benefit more form a happy marriage an unhappy marriage will take a deeper toll on women.

A related conclusion is that because people can choose to be happily married every married person also can choose whether to be healthy or sick by successfully dealing with marital issues or ignoring them and letting them fester. Advice on how to build a happy marriage, and avoid the stress of a sick relationship, is given by five experts in the recently published book, The Marriage Medics. www.themarriagemedics.com

The Marriage Medics, (ISBN- 0-9760844-0-6) by Cynthia Cooper Ph.D. shares the reasons why some couples fall head-first into divorce and others walk away restored and emotionally healthy. Couples who rescue their relationships seem to do so by using a network of support.

The Marriage Medics collects your ideal relationship support network into a single book. Each of the five experts contributing to the book has seen hundreds of divorces from their unique professional perspective, and each knows exactly what factors can determine success or failure.

Cooper is a clinical psychotherapist who has counseled couples and families for decades on how better to relate to each other. Cooper has a doctoral degree in clinical psychology, human science research and education. Other experts cited in

The Marriage Medics are:
- Daniel B. Smith, a bank executive.
- Dr, Patti Britton, sex coach, clinical sexologist.
- Commander Bobbitti May, a U.S. Navy chaplain
- John Hunt, Las Vegas attorney specializing in family law

The Marriage Medics can be purchased for $29.95 by credit card or PayPal by going to www.themarriagemedics.com For information on the cortisol study contact Dr. Joyce Glasser, director of the psychiatry department at the University of Ohio.

Good News!

2005-03-06T19:35:00.000-08:00

Uplifting Website

I just saw a commercial on TV done by this organization. It was a cool commercial so I went to the Website. It seems like an uplifting site. They state, "The Foundation for a Better Life is not affiliated with any political groups or religious organizations."

http://www.forbetterlife.org/

Among other things they publish "Good News."

They also have a quote section. Here's a good one.

"The course of true love never did run smooth."
Author: William Shakespeare (1564-1616), English playwright, poet, work considered greatest in English literature

Tech-Savvy Singles Logging On For Love

2005-03-06T14:47:00.000-08:00

03/06/2005 By JC REINDL , The Herald Press

[This article is from a British Newspaper. Singles face the same challenges pretty much anywhere in the Western World. I can certainly agree with this quote in the following article, "...she compares searching online for a boyfriend (girlfriend) to trying to find a job. Both tasks take research, patience and perseverance, along with a bit of luck."

I'm starting to pick up that it's also important to learn to be OK with being single. A person can keep looking, but it they "get OK" with being single, it takes the desperation factor out of the mix. Looking desperate isn't attractive.]

NEWINGTON -- Dating coach Ronnie Ann Ryan likes to compare Internet dating to deep-sea fishing.

The casual fishers who are not worried about leaving things to chance can stand over a pier for hours, waiting for a few nibbles. But those looking to catch a lot of fish will find a way to the deepest areas of the water where they know fish congregate.

"If you really want to get some volume going, the best thing to do is to try online dating," said Ryan, who organizes dating workshops throughout the state and last month published an advice book, "MANifesting Mr. Right."

Resident Patty Foley, 49, said she felt she was running out of options and ways of meeting people when she decided nine months ago to sign onto her first online dating site. Like casting a net into deeper waters, Foley said she hoped that the Internet, with its millions of users, could introduce her to a new and wider audience of suitors outside her circle of coworkers, friends and other contacts.

"I exhausted my Rolodex" said Foley, who has never been married. "I asked all of my girlfriends and guy friends if they knew someone, and they said "Not for you."

So Foley dove in. A little more than six months after going online, Foley had posted profiles of herself along with eight different pictures on five dating Web sites.

She had corresponded with more than 20 men, and had met and gone on dates with about 12 of them, she said. The other eight or so men never made it past the e-mail or telephone call stage.

"I’m very conservative," Foley said last week while speaking to a reporter in the lobby of the Lucy Robbins Welles Library. "If they can’t spell, they can’t talk to me."

Foley said she was browsing the Match.com Web site about five and a half months ago when she noticed the profile for an attractive, 51-year-old Wethersfield man who lived about three miles from her house but whom she had never seen before.

Intrigued, she sent the man a "wink," a flirting feature on Match.com that allows users to test the interest of possible dates without writing introduction letters that may never find a reply.

He responded, and after a series of e-mails and telephone conversations the couple met for their first date at an area restaurant.

According to Mark Habersang, Foley’s "prince charming," part of what made her profile stand out from the thousands of others online was that she provided detailed descriptions of her life, interests and what she was looking for.

"Some of (the online profiles) are just a whole lot of adjectives. Yes, everyone likes to talk about how they like to take a walk on the beach, and have a candlelit dinner with a bottle of wine. But what do you talk about at dinner over that glass of wine?" Habersang said.

The couple has been dating ever since. Their relationship has been going so well, they both decided to remove their Internet profiles so they can focus on each other.

"Supposedly you know it when you know it, and we think we know it," Foley said.

Foley is a self-employed accountant and also president of the Friends of the Library. She recalls how she was telling some library employees the story of how she met her boyfriend when one of them suggested she give a presentation on Internet dating to help those still timid about trying it.

Foley fell in love with the idea. She began planning an online dating workshop drawing upon her own experiences along with information and advice from books and news articles. She also asked friends and a retired police officer to give short talks on the benefits and possible dangers of going online.

The workshop was to happen last Monday night, but due to the evening’s snow storm, the library canceled and rescheduled it for May 9.

Some people were disappointed to learn of Monday’s cancellation, and a few were actually relieved. Foley said one of her friends who is single sent an e-mail that afternoon explaining that she was relieved to have two more months to prepare herself for posting her life online for anyone to see.

"I’m so glad it’s postponed; I’ll be ready in May," said Foley, recalling the letter.

While some men and women of the baby boom generation such as Foley and Habersang were once timid about venturing online to dates, they now represent one of the fastest-growing categories of Internet daters, according to Kristin Kelly, a spokesperson for Match.com

The most widely-used Internet dating site, Match.com claims to have approximately 15 million members, 1.1 million of which pay at least the basic $29.99 monthly subscription fee to send messages to site members.

From 2001 to 2004, Match.com users who were in the 50 years of age or older bracket grew 32 percent, Kelly said.

In all, about 40 million people a month in the U.S. are believed to have visited dating Web sites in 2004; generating an estimated $473 million in year-end revenue, according to Jupiter Research, an Internet market research firm.

So while the Internet can present a large number of opportunities, it can also create a lot of work for those trying to sort through and read numerous pages of profiles to find people they feel they are compatible with.

This is why Foley said she compares searching online for a boyfriend to trying to find a job. Both tasks take research, patience and perseverance, along with a bit of luck.

Foley said that before posting her first Internet profile a year ago, she glanced through profiles of about 100 other women to see the things people were doing and saying.

After meticulously writing and editing her own ad, Foley said she devoted several hours of each week responding to different profiles, and then waiting for replies to trickle into her e-mail box.

"I treated it like a job search. They say you need to send out X numbers of resumes to get a response, I sent X numbers of ‘winks’ out to get a response," Foley said.

Many of the men and women who visit The Relationship Company, a professional match making business with an office in Farmington, have tried online dating but threw up their arms because they were spending too much time and money looking for a match that never materialized, according to Elissa Gouge, president and founder.

"What I hear the most is that we just save people so much time. If they don’t want to spend hours and hours on the computer, then we’re a good alternative," Gouge said.

For a fee of several hundred dollars, a company representative will conduct an in-depth interview to determine a client’s preferences in a partner. After carrying out a background check, the company will search through its registry of about 2,000 clients to find someone whom they believe will be compatible with the individual.

Another advantage that Gouge said a matchmaking service has over the Internet is that its real-life screening process precludes people from lying about physical attributes. Someone can add a fallse photograph to an online profile, and no one will know until that individual meets someone in person.

"If a woman tells me she’s 140 pounds, she’s 140 pounds -- she’s not 300," Gouge said.

Foley said she had been contemplating a visit to a matchmaking service at about the time she discovered Habersang’s online profile. But she believes that if she did, she might never have met him.

Although she finds Habersang extremely attractive, she admits he does not fit the long-established "blond hair and blue eyes" concept of what she once thought she was after. A matchmaker could have easily ruled him out.

In fact, if it wasn’t for the arbitrariness and mystery that are unique to Internet dating, Foley and Habersang might never have met.

"I would have never have looked at the person I’m dating now. I would have walked by him on the street," Foley said.

Navigating The "Singles Scene"

2005-03-06T09:27:00.000-08:00

Friday, February 11, 2005 - http://www2.townonline.com/canton/opinion/

By Anne Ponticelli/ Guest Columnist

Whether you have always been single, are newly single due to divorce or death of your mate, or wish you were single (oops!), navigating the sometimes rough waters of the "single scene" is quite the voyage.

Take "single's dances" for example. From a female's point of view ... ok? (You'll have to settle for that because no single males would talk about this topic.)

What is and where are these "singles dances"?

These are the events planned by a "single's network" that are held at different restaurants, hotels or function halls. They are usually advertised in various newspapers or postcards are sent to members who have signed up on mailing lists.

Here's how it works: (Never mind how I know.)

A. You spend hours deciding what to wear - finally choosing something you think will stop 'em dead in their tracks . . . . or B. settle for the "basic black pants" and long sleeve blouse.

Then you get to the restaurant, hotel, or function hall, before 9 p.m. because if you happen to arrive after 9 p.m. the $10 cover charge is increased to $15.

You hang up your coat, and nervously enter the room where the dance is held, and look around for a place to sit. (All the "singles publications" suggest you sit where there are male singles already seated.)

You try to avoid sitting on the chairs lined up against the wall - it brings back too many memories of those "wallflower days" at school dances. (Of course, I never had those memories!)

Well, 8:55 p.m. arrives and a mass entrance of "singles" takes place. Just think, they all saved $5.

The DJ tries out different types of music to get the dancers on the floor. You see those resembling Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers and others imitating John Travolta or Brittney Spears!

Then the DJ announces a "ladies choice" so you frantically look around to see who is "worthy" of such an honor, ignoring the guys who are sitting at your table because:

1. They don't look like Fred Astaire or John Travolta;

2. They probably don't dance like them either;

3. They look too much like your ex (husband, boyfriend, etc.); or

4. They don't look enough like your high-school sweetheart.

You decide to "sit this one out" and see who the other female dancers picked.

After this fiasco, the DJ decides to announce a "group dance" so he asks all persons who know the "Bus Stop" to come to the floor.

You never heard of this dance. You drive to work and don't think your kids dance while waiting for the school bus so you decide to watch this one.

You check out the "competition" and notice a few dressed in outfits that are either,

A. cut "down to here and up to there" (strapless top, mini-skit) and high heels, or

B. "up to here and down to there" (turtleneck sweater and long skirt).

You can't figure out why the first type have been asked to dance so much, after all they are so obvious. How could any guy want to dance with them? (Never did find this out. Remember no guy would talk about this subject.)

Well, the room is getting a bit crowded and warmer so you meander up to the "bar" (no stools, just a small area to order and receive liquid libations).

You hand over $3 for a cup consisting of three quarters ice cubes and one quarter soda, then decide to switch to bottled water ($1.95 plus tip) (too bad coolers aren't allowed).

Oh, did I forget to mention it? A free buffet (hope you ate dinner before you came to the dance) is offered, consisting of:

1. Something no one could identify but one male stated if it was seafood, he was dead, and

2. Icky, sticky chicken wings designed to smear on your hands and mess up your lipstick, and

3. Something spiced up with garlic scenting the room (great in case you meet any vampires, I guess) and

4. Spicy buffalo wings designed to have you visiting the "bar" (see above) or (hopefully not), the restroom.

Well, the night draws to a close but not before the raffle.

When you entered and paid your $10 (or $15 if after 9 p.m.), you were required to fill out a form with your name and address on it (address needed for the mailing list), also an optional line you could check for age group (forget that one, ladies).

The DJ announces names (none of which are yours) and the winners receive .a bottle of wine.

Wait, one more chance for you to leave the dance with more than just your pride. You were also given a playing card (no not Uno, Pokemon or Yu-Gi-Oh, you dunce), for instance, the queen of diamonds, king of spades, etc.

The object of this game was you are supposed to find someone with the identical playing card, a good way, you are told, to meet someone and also win a bottle of champagne (I doubt if it's Crystal).

What the odds of winning are I do not know. Someone wise to the game (and also a lover of champagne), usually picks up the discards and walks around asking if anyone has a match.

Well, maybe you won't meet the man of your dreams, but all is not lost. Sometimes overheard near the coatroom is the following:

"He had a nerve to refuse to dance, did he ever look in the mirror?" (Ladies choice ... guy refused to dance) or "Did you see that girl? She was all over that guy." (Mini-skirt, strapless top dancer.) Or "how many times did you get asked to dance?" (Watch out for this one, girls - jealousy, jealousy.)

Well, the dance may have ended but the most important question had yet to be asked:

"Where's the dance being held next week?"

(Anne Ponticelli is a public safety dispatcher for the Easton Police Department.)

The Singles Scene - From A Male Point Of View

2005-03-06T09:20:00.000-08:00

Friday, March 4, 2005 - http://www2.townonline.com/canton/opinion/

By Anne Ponticelli/ Town Talk

A couple of weeks ago, you read a column devoted to the "single's scene" from a female point of view.

Usually, women are usually pretty "up front" in discussing their social life.

It's the guys that are close-mouthed on this subject.

But, wait! Hot off the press! A few brave souls offered their views on this volatile subject, providing:

1. Their names wouldn't be published in this paper; 2. I wouldn't let on who gave me the information; 3. The information wouldn't be used against them.

You'd think this was the CIA.

OK - I know you're all on the edge of your seat, so read on.

Ladies, use this information wisely. Perhaps this will serve, to gain insight in "what makes a guy tick." (Will we ever really know?) Guys - yea, that's you I'm talking to. I know you'll agree with at least some of this information, even if you don't do or say the same things as some guys admitted to. I can just see you all nodding your heads.

Besides receiving first-hand information on the dating scene from a male point of view I also accessed a few single web sites and found that if a guy is posting information to another guy he's that much more "up front" with his feelings.

Here's what I learned:

Men basically have some of the same fears as women when it comes to attending social functions.

For instance, at a single's dance, a man may be hesitant to ask a girl to dance because:

1. He doesn't know how. Just hasn't got around to those dance lessons yet.

2. He's afraid of rejection - what if she says no?

3. What if she's a better dancer than he is and shows him up?

4. He doesn't think he's as good looking as Justin Timberlake so why would any girl want to dance with him?

One man had a list of what not to do when dating or trying to date a girl:

1. Don't rush in. Engage the girl in conversation before you ask her out.

2. Don't give the girl any unrealistic expectation - never say to her "I never met anyone like you, I can't wait for you to meet my (sister, mother, aunt, etc.).

3. Don't try too hard to impress her. If she likes you she'll be impressed anyway.

4. Stop talking about how important it is for you to be in a committed relationship (maybe she doesn't want one).

5. Be able to accept the imperfections of women (if you can find any).

Well, if a guy follows those rules, he may have the "rules of dating" down pat. But there's more.

Here's nine things limiting a man's confidence:

1. She's a good girl and won't "put out" on the first date. (You really thought she would?)

2. She's either married or has a steady boyfriend (you hope not).

3. She's too hot. She would never want me (no harm in trying, though).

4. I'm not "cool" enough or rich enough (that's only your opinion).

5. She may think I'm taking advantage of her (you'd probably like to).

6. We're only friends - she doesn't think of me as a "boyfriend" (how do you know?)

7. She's a friend of the family. (Hopefully they'll vouch for you!)

8. I'm a different culture, she wouldn't be interested in me. (Variety is the spice of life!)

9. What if she makes more money than I do? (This is 2005, so what?)

How about an insight into dating again after being in a committed relationship (marriage, living together, etc.)?

Again, from a male point of view:

1. He's afraid to start a new relationship. He has "quirks" like folding his socks a certain way and a new girl might not accept them. (A guy folding his socks ...imagine!)

2. He comes with baggage. (No, I don't mean Samsonite) He has kids. How will a new love accept them? (She probably wouldn't mind, as long as she won't be stuck babysitting them!)

3. Physical attraction is important. First impressions count. He's a nice guy but a girl doesn't know that.

4. He's older - it's easier with a younger woman who hasn't the experience or knowledge an older one would. (Why do they always want the younger girls?)

5. He wants to meet new girls but where? (A bar - but what if you don't drink? A church group - what if you have no religious affiliation?)

6. He's out of practice, needs a new "pickup line." ("What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this" just doesn't work anymore.)

OK, now you know about what a guy fears about being in or reentering the "single scene." But how about those who have a "steady" relationship but are still "on the prowl?"

Here's an insight into why some males cheat:

1. Fear of commitment. They already promised to say "I do" or have spoken the "l" word but they're afraid of finalizing the deal with that marriage certificate.

2. For the thrill of it - men love danger.

3. They're not fulfilled with their current mate.

4. They're trying to sabotage the relationship; if they get caught they'll have to end it.

5. They want revenge. She cheats so he'll cheat back.

6. Because you let him ... his mate feels "it's a man thing" so men cheat, no matter what.

7. Emotional escape ...they like to "fall in love" lots of times. They like that "heady" feeling so they keep looking for it!

Some men appear shy and are hesitant to make the first move when meeting a new woman (despite popular opinion, women don't usually bite!).

One Web site suggested a guy look at the "body language" before he "made a pass." (Don't try this with the wrong girl!)

That same site discussed how to date more than one woman (Careful with this one, women talk) and how to have your fun and leave without a commitment! (Who wants your commitment if that's the type of guy you are?) Also, what was the protocol in dating someone again that you formerly dated. (Just pick up the phone, she may want to hear from you again.)

So where does a man find these dates to practice all this knowledge he has absorbed?

Well, there's always the Internet. There are hundreds of web sites dedicated to the pursuit of "love" and finding "the right match."

And there's always "8 Minute Dates." This is a club males and females can join, held in different towns and cities. For a nominal fee (around $40), numbered tables are set up at a restaurant or function hall. Apparently you have eight minutes to chat with someone before you have to move on to another table. Success stories of engagements and marriages are rampant on the web site. Could be a good investment, who knows? (You'd better be able to talk fast, though.)

One guy suggested finding someone who shares an interest with you. Apparently opposites don't always attract!

Another guy suggested telling all your friends and co-workers that you're "on the market"... word travels fast.

But the best quote I found appeared on a Web site stating the following, that applied to both males and females:

"The best time to date is now, the best time for anything is now. The past is gone and tomorrow is promised to no one. Now is all you've got."

Who wouldn't agree with that?

Anne Ponticelli is a public safety dispatcher for the Easton Police Department.

Chicken Soup for the Single Parent's Soul : Stories of Hope, Healing and Humor

2005-03-05T08:53:00.000-08:00

Book for Single Parents

Apparently this book was just released in Feb, 2005. I might pick it up. It looks decent.

Amazon Link

Usenet: Singles Should Proceed With Caution

2005-03-04T11:15:00.000-08:00

Editorial

It's better to be healthy alone than sick with someone else.
Dr. Phil

My recent foray into Usenet (Internet Newsgroups) confirmed yet again what I already knew. For every 4 nice people you meet, there is at least one very disturbed individual. And the disturbed individuals are always the loudest.

There are Singles Newsgroups on Usenet, but if you're single and looking for encouragement, proceed with caution.

If you do decide to venture in, or venture back in as I did, you may want to read the following link to prepare.

http://www.onlinenetiquette.com/courtesy9.html

There's a quickly growing consensus that Usenet is dying. I don't want to drive someone away from something that may be of benefit. Maybe Google will bring Usenet back to life. If you follow the pointers in the above link, you should be fine.

Here are a couple of Usenet Singles Newsgroups:

http://groups-beta.google.com/group/alt.support.single-parents

This one (below) is a great example of why Usenet is dying. It's supposed to be a Singles Group, yet here's what they're posting, "jeem, how much cum will your daughter swill tonight." Whatever.

http://groups-beta.google.com/group/soc.singles

A post on Slashdot.org has this to say, "I'll note for the record that slashdot doesn't have a 'Usenet' topic... My personal experience is that almost no one coming online these days even knows Usenet exists."

A New Look at Relationships -- Lifestyle Coach's Book Offers Fresh Take on Improving Interaction

2005-03-02T16:17:00.000-08:00

Distribution Source : PrimeZone Media

[..."a mutual coordination of action." Hmm. Sounds about right to me. I'll go along with that.]

Date : Wednesday - March 02, 2005

CORONA DEL MAR, Calif., March 2, 2005 (PRIMEZONE) -- In a revolutionary new book, James Collister offers a modern perspective on why many partnerships fail. The Last Relationship Book You'll Need: Mastering the Five Universal Principles (now available through AuthorHouse) outlines the underlying cause of modern society's relationship troubles.

While other personal growth books often ask, "What is wrong with your relationship?" Collister takes the issues a step further in asking, "What is a relationship?" Many people are surprised to learn that once they discover what it is they are a part of, it is easier to perfect, he writes.

All relationships are basically "a mutual coordination of action." This is the basis for partnerships of any kind, whether they are between lovers, family members or colleagues, says Collister. He offers a simple explanation of what it means to coordinate mutual action with the other party.

"All breakdowns in relationships are breakdowns in action," Collister writes. "When people can begin to observe...their relationships from this fundamental and basic distinction, they can begin to ask the most important question in relationship formation: How do I coordinate the coordination of action...?"

After he tackles this idea, Collister tells how to design one's relationships using purposeful action rather than relying on luck, chance or the advice of friends. He describes how "our relationships live in our conversations and how our conversations open and close our possibility of relating effectively." He also covers the "Five Universal Principle of Relationships": trust, dignity/respect, communication, commitment and consciousness. Finally, Collister delves into the biology and language of emotions and shatters the common myths about love.

The Last Relationship Book You'll Need offers readers vital information about the fundamental definitions of partnerships and how they are able to improve them by starting on solid ground.

For 35 years, Collister owned and managed a consulting firm and taught effective communication and relationship management skills. He is founder and president of Excel in Living Institute, a lifestyle education and coaching firm which offers public seminars. He lives in Southern California with his wife, Linda.

AuthorHouse is the world leader in publishing and print-on-demand services. Founded in 1997, AuthorHouse has helped more than 18,500 people worldwide become published authors.

Singles Searching for Love Online Feel Confused and Deceived by Online Dating Sites

2005-03-02T09:44:00.000-08:00

From PRWeb - Press Release Newswire

[Tell me about it!]

New Online Dating Directory Wants to Help Singles New to the Online Dating Scene Find Their Ideal Dating Service.

(PRWEB) March 2, 2005 -- When searching “online dating” in a popular search engine such as Google the results number over 16.5 million! With so many different results out there, singles looking for love online may not know where to begin. In an attempt to help ease some confusion and fear new online daters may feel, Online Dating Magazine has just launched a newly designed online dating directory it acquired last year, DateLists.com (http://www.datelists.com).

Datelists.com has organized some of the top dating sites into nine easy-to-navigate categories. Whether an online dater is looking in the Major Dating category for popular sites like Match or True, or looking for something more unique from the Niche Dating category, Datelists.com provides a clean, organized directory to address all online dating site inquiries.

“So many people entering the online dating scene for the first time can feel overwhelmed by the large amount of dating sites floating around on the Web,” said Joe Tracy, publisher of Online Dating Magazine. “With a directory like DateLists.com, the confusion is taken out of online dating. DateLists.com provides a free and organized online dating directory with clear category listings, along with useful information and news about dating online in the Online Dating Reference Area (http://online-dating.datelists.com).”

What is perhaps even worse than the confusion stirred by the massive amount of online dating sites circulating on the Web is the deceptive tone many sites have when advertising to online daters. Many adult-content sites market their site as a “dating service” and those new to online dating may be surprised and shocked when they find photos of nude men and women appearing on a site claiming to be for dating singles. This deceptive advertising has been strictly avoided in the DateLists.com directory.

DateLists.com monitors its Website submissions to avoid listing any Websites with adult content and nudity in order to provide the online dating community with a useful directory of serious online dating and relationship services. Ready to meet your match? DateLists.com is the Internet’s premium online dating directory and information resource.

About Online Dating Magazine:
Online Dating Magazine (www.onlinedatingmagazine.com) is an independent and privately owned Internet publication covering the online dating industry. The mission of Online Dating Magazine is to provide in-depth coverage of the online dating industry that allows readers to have a more rewarding and safe experience. Online Dating Magazine covers everything from dating site news and reviews to self-improvement and user experiences.

Feelings Of Hatred, Resentment Affect Health, Relationships

2005-02-27T04:40:00.000-08:00

February 27, 2005 - http://www.zwire.com

[I learned this one about 15 years ago now. The only person you hurt with bitterness is yourself. Go ahead and do your anger related to the Grief Process as explained in a prior article, but at the end of the process, let go. In the words of one of my favorite lyricists, Don Henley, "You keep carrying that anger, it'll eat you up inside."]

By Jerry Ventre

“Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.” --- Ben Franklin

Dr. Phil’s Life Law No. 9: "There Is Power In Forgiveness."

“Your strategy: Open your eyes to what anger and resentment are doing to you. Take your power back from those who have hurt you.”

Of all the emotions in the human repertoire, hate, anger, and resentment are among the most powerful and self-destructive. They are awakened in you by the actions of those you perceive to have hurt you or those you love.

You may think that you want and are justified to hate, or harbor rage against someone who has hurt you deeply enough to create these emotions. You may believe that they deserve it and are made to suffer by your hatred of them. You may sometimes treat your hatred as though it were a mythical curse on the target of your disdain. But to do so, to carry and feel that hatred, is to pay an unbelievably high price, for the reality is that those feelings change who you are. They change your heart and mind.

Like fire raging through a dry forest, these intense emotions can become so pervasive as to crowd every other feeling out of your heart, consuming you with behavior that is either external -- vicious aggression; or internal -- deep bitterness.

Think about it. When you encounter someone who’s in the grip of these emotions and see the outward expression of their inner turmoil, it takes little imagination to guess what that person must be experiencing inside. Hatred, anger, and resentment eat away at the heart and soul of the person who carries them.

If you are carrying around these ugly emotions, it’s likely that your body is almost constantly in a condition called heterostasis, a condition of physiological imbalance; put simply, it’s a state of having too much of this, in terms of your natural chemistry, and not enough of that. People who stay in this powerfully aroused state often experience sleep disturbance, nightmares, poor concentration, and fatigue. It’s not uncommon for them to develop headaches, ulcers, back spasms, and even heart attacks.

People are not built to be happy and sad at the same time. It is impossible for us to feel simultaneously peaceful and agitated. So to the extent that these powerful emotions crowd their more positive counterparts out of your experience, your physical state is going to be miserable.

I have told you what the effects of these emotions are on your body. You also need to recognize that these feelings are the stuff of which emotional prisons are made. When you choose to bear hate, anger, or resentment toward others, you build walls around yourself. You become trapped in an emotional complex of such pain and agony that negative energy begins to dominate your life.

And in addition to imprisoning you, these emotions have a spillover effect: They do not remain specific to the relationship in which you were damaged. Recall that you bring your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs into every relationship you have. To assume that you can turn your feelings on and off like a light switch is naïve. I suspect you already know that it doesn’t work that way. Bitterness and anger are such powerful influences that once they enter your heart, they are present in all of your relationships. They truly do make you become a different person. Who you were goes away, and now you are defined by the hatred and bitterness. Ultimately, what makes these emotions so powerful is that they change who you are. They change what you do and contaminate what you have to give.

Think about that. It means that those who love you don’t get you -- they get the bitter shell of who you once were.

If you’re dragging the chains of hatred, anger, and resentment into your other relationships, then, clearly, you are contaminating them. Your task is to undo those chains so that you do not take those emotions with you into these other relationships. For the sake of your spouse, your children, other loved ones, and yourself, you must have the courage to break these bonds and cleanse your heart and mind of the poison of hatred. You must learn that you do not have to be angry just because you have the right to be.

If your heart has turned cold and hard because of hatred, anger, and resentment, then that is the heart from which all of your emotions spring. That is the love and that is the heart that you have to offer to your children, to your mate, to your parents, to your brothers and sisters, and to your fellow human beings. Hatred, anger, and resentment truly change who you are. They truly prevent you from being able to give to those you love that which you want them to have.

The power of forgiveness is the power to set yourself free from the bonds of hatred, anger, and resentment. Seize the power and rise above the pain. You are worth it, and everyone you love deserves it."

As always, have a good week. Fill it with smiles and hugs, especially for your family. They are the ones who love us most and need our attentiveness.

Gerald P. Ventre of North Smithfield is director of development and advocacy for the Arc of Northern Rhode Island.

Music Snobbery Dooms Relationships

2005-02-23T12:50:00.000-08:00

Tuesday, February 22, 2005
from The Parthenon Online
The Student Newspaper of Marshall University

[Of course this little post is an Op/Ed piece. But I think there’s a measure of truth to it. I know I enjoy music immensely. If anyone were to ever classify my tastes in a derogatory manner, I don’t think we could be friends anymore. Those in relationships should respect one another’s taste, and even try to expand their taste to include that of their partner. Provided the relationship means anything at all. If it doesn’t mean anything, why be in it?]

Music Snobbery Dooms Relationships
by Ashley Perks

A very wise man by the name of Rob Gordon (or Nick Hornby, depending on how you look at it) once said, "It's not what you're like, but what you like" in reference to making sure you have things in common (pop culturally) with your significant other.

This has never been true for me. In fact, I once made out with a guy to the song "Higher" by Creed (shameful, and my social status just dropped a few levels by admitting that).

Also, my last serious boyfriend's favorite song was none other than "Who Can It Be Now?" by Men At Work. That's an atrocity that makes my friends shake their heads in disbelief or disappointment to this day.

So really, I've made some questionable dating choices if you want to compare record collections.

And like I said, it was never an issue for me. I honestly did not care what my boyfriends listened to as long as it wasn't, like, strictly an album full of bagpipe melodies.

But that all changed when my sort-of boyfriend and I signed up for Audioscrobbler. Audioscrobbler (http://www.audioscrobbler.com) is a neat little web application that, with the help of a plug-in for your respective MP3 player, tracks every song you play and then ranks them. So I can look back and see that I played the song "I Predict A Riot" by the Kaiser Chiefs four times last week. As it continues, you start to see patterns in your listening habits, and really, it's pointless. I just wanted to see what kind of stuff he was listening to on a regular basis.

And oh my goodness.

I will never forget the horror I felt as I scanned his list of top artists and realized that I slept with someone who may very well own every single Insane Clown Posse album.

I mean... what? How is this possible? How did an indie-rock loving girl like me end up in bed with somebody who doesn't appreciate a good tune with handclaps?

How can I date somebody whose record collection could probably beat up my record collection? I'm fairly sure in a fight of brute strength, Disturbed could totally kick Death Cab for Cutie's ass. I'm just sayin'. And if we ever got married, Rammstein and Ryan Adams would have to sit far apart from each other, and they would probably get in a loud, rambunctious argument during the reception.

But then I really thought about it. I mean, I have questionable music tastes too - I do have quite a few Foreigner songs on my iBook, after all. So in the long run, I decided that even though he listens to an astronomical amount of Insane Clown Posse, he still makes me smile.

Thankfully, I don't think he feels the same way about my music taste. Clearly, he accepts the fact that I once played "Open Arms" by Journey 12 times in a row. Clearly, he thinks it's adorable. Or else he just didn't check my statistics that day.

Here's hoping it's not the last one.

Couples Who Live Together Split Faster - Report

2005-02-22T04:24:00.000-08:00

Wed Jul 24, 2002, 5:50 PM ET

["We need to find a way to break the cycle of family instability." So true. The number of families that split in this country is sad, just sad.]

By Keith Mulvihill

NEW YORK (Reuters Health) - New study findings show that marriage is indeed a tie that binds -- or at least binds a bit tighter than cohabitation without matrimony.

Couples who live together without marriage are twice as likely to split up 5 years after they move in together than couples who tie the knot, according to a report from the National Center for Health Statistics (NCHS).

And similar to past research, the survey found that couples who lived together before marriage were also more likely to split than those who waited until after they got hitched.

The report is based on a 1995 survey of nearly 11,000 women between the ages of 15 and 44.

Lead author Dr. Matthew D. Bramlett of the NCHS in Hyattsville, Maryland and his team hoped to learn more about cohabitation and marriage and the factors that influence the success or failure of these types of relationships.

"Marriages tend to last longer than cohabitations," he told Reuters Health. Roughly 5 years after women got married, only 20% had left their husbands, versus 49% of women who were living with someone.

"We don't have any underlying reasons to explain the findings," said Bramlett, who noted that the group solely tried to describe as many different characteristics associated with outcomes to marriage and cohabitation "to encourage further research."

The report, "Cohabitation, Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage in the United States," is posted on the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention's Web site.

In other findings, the researchers learned that women whose parents split when they were young were much more likely to follow in their footsteps.

Ten years after being married, 43% of women from broken homes reported having left the marriage versus 29% of women raised in intact families.

"The same trend held true for a woman's second marriage," with 49% of women from broken homes separated or divorced compared with 33% of women whose parents stayed married, Bramlett told Reuters Health.

"We need to find a way to break the cycle of family instability," Bramlett said.

Feel-Good Fixes Help Fight Fatigue

2005-02-20T20:02:00.000-08:00

Sun Feb 20, 7:02 PM ET Health - HealthDay

[Another thing not unfamiliar to Singles, Fatigue. Sometimes we try to do it all, and overextend.]

SUNDAY, Feb. 20 (HealthDayNews) -- Burdened by the "blahs"?

Lifestyle factors such as stress, poor sleep or a hectic schedule are the most common causes of fatigue, according to experts at the Mayo Clinic.

To get that zip back into everyday life, an article in the February issue of the Mayo Clinic Health Letter offers up the following tips:

-- Manage your stress. Do this by learning to say no to tasks that strain your schedule. Set priorities, pace yourself, and take time each day to relax.

-- Get moving. Try to get at least 30 minutes of moderate physical activity each day.

-- Eat better. Sitting down to a low-fat, high-fiber breakfast helps prepare your body for the day ahead. Limit your intake of high-fat and high-sugar foods, which will make you feel sluggish later.

-- Avoid alcohol. Drinking depresses the central nervous system and acts as sedative. Alcohol can make you tired for hours after, even after consuming small amounts.

-- Seek good sleep. Developing good sleep habits is important. Don't eat, read or watch TV in bed, keep the bedroom cool, dark and quiet, and set alarms for the same time each day, if possible. Routine is important help you set a regular sleep schedule. Daytime naps are OK, the experts say, but take them early in the day and keep them short.

Dramatic or prolonged fatigue may signal an underlying medical problem. You should see your doctor if lifestyle changes don't seem to help your fatigue, the article said.

Common medical causes of fatigue include: anemia, cancer, depression or other mood disorders, diabetes, infections, restless legs syndrome, sleep apnea, thyroid problems and even heart attack.

Ten Things You Don't Know About Women

2005-02-20T13:16:00.000-08:00

By Stacey Grenrock Woods
Esquire, August 2002, Volume 138, Issue 2
Photograph by Jeff Lipsky

1. We say underwear, just as men do. Women never say panties, and neither should you, except under the rarest of circumstances, and maybe not even then. Likewise, the garment we wear on top is called a bra. When possible, please refrain from making a sound effect like boing! when we remove it.

2. Your virility may be called into question if you identify yourself as a vegan, raw foodist, macrobiotic, or some equivalent. Women tend to see these lifestyle choices as fine for themselves but not quite male enough as far as you are concerned. Sure, we're all for you taking care of yourselves, but we do not want you to regard yourselves as too precious. It is our task in life to get you to try things like couscous, and it is yours to politely decline the offer.

3. The same goes for driving. Women don't like men who drive like women. Not that we drive like women. By women I mean grandmothers.

4. If we are forced into a situation where a male stripper is imploring us to, say, lick whipped cream from his shaved inner thigh or lap tequila from his navel, it will most likely just perplex and embarrass us. We are more likely to become aroused by a female rather than a male stripper. But don't get any big ideas.

5. Not all women are thoroughly sold on the idea of pushing a baby out of a small opening in their bodies. It does not fill all of us with an inexpressible Sense of Purpose on this Earth. It fills us with a slow and steady sense of dread. Nevertheless, it should be noted that, when contemplating our golden years, we do like to imagine plenty of vital progeny gathered at our knee, hanging on our every wizened word and keeping us company after you die, which you will do before us because you are always eating all that crap. You should eat more couscous. (And stop driving like a lunatic.)

6. Thongs are not a girl's best friend. Diamonds are. We're not stupid.

7. Concerning the myth about women preferring men of power to men of attractiveness: once again, entirely true. But power and attractiveness are nebulous terms. Only in the rarest of instances will a young and vibrant woman appear on the arm of an octogenarian millionaire. Similarly, few of us will eschew a respectable-looking gentleman with an honest job who is kind and fun in favor of an unemployed underwear model with nothing to say.

8. The inclusion of the word Lady in front of a product doesn't make us feel better. We don't sleep more soundly knowing we have our own Foot Locker.

9. Most of us respond favorably to even the most diminutive gesture of compassion. You will find that when provoked by, say, a simple card or a kind phone call, our capacity for forgiveness and benevolence could blow your mind. Yes, we are different from you in some ways, but we do possess resilient hearts that long to connect with you on a level that transcends mere gender. But come on, no balloon bouquets. What do you think this is?

10. Women are neither a Ginger nor a Mary Ann, a Mary nor a Rhoda, a Rachel nor a Monica, a Madonna nor a whore, high maintenance nor low maintenance, nor anything else you may have seen on TV, read at a bookstore counter, or heard Billy Crystal say. We are all and/or none of these things, plus ten thousand other things that are constantly transmogrifying into more confusing things. One concept or phrase cannot begin to contain us. We do not stand united on any one principle, except perhaps this: We all love flowers, ponies, puppies, kitties, and rainbows. That is absolutely 100 percent true.

Low Self-Esteem Can Sabotage Relationships

2005-02-20T11:45:00.000-08:00

Wed Sep 4, 2002, 10:47 AM ET

[This one seems like a no-brainer to me, but maybe low self-esteem is not easy to recognize in one's self or in others. I know that my own self-esteem has grown leaps and bounds with age and wisdom. I'm a fairly confident person these days.]

By Alison McCook

NEW YORK (Reuters Health) - People with low self-esteem may look for evidence their romantic partner is secretly unhappy with them, and when they get it, they may put their partners down in response, new study findings show.

Over time, this type of behavior can seriously weaken the relationship, according to Dr. Sandra L. Murray of the University at Buffalo, State University of New York and her team.

The finding is from a study in which people with low self-esteem were fed false information about their romantic partner. When the participants were told their partner did not like something about them, those with low self-esteem tended to decide that the overall relationship was in jeopardy, Murray told Reuters Health.

Short-lived problems occur in every normal relationship, Murray explained. However, in the eyes of a person with low self-esteem, those transient difficulties can threaten their sense of security in the relationship, causing them to put down their partners before their partners can reject them, she said.

It's as if the low self-esteem partners were saying: "'So if you're going to reject me, you suck,"' Murray explained.

This behavior is "not adaptive," Murray noted, and can have a significant impact on the health of the relationship. "Going to such a grand conclusion from one episode isn't often warranted," she added.

Murray's team developed their findings from a series of experiments involving people who were involved in romantic relationships.

In the first experiment, the researchers tested the self-esteem of 104 people who were in a romantic relationship for an average of 20 months. During the study, the investigators asked some participants to indicate what sides of their personalities they don't want their partners to see.

When faced with the concept that certain aspects of their personalities are not appealing to their partners, people with low self-esteem reported fewer positive traits in their partners, and more anxiety about the relationship, than those with high self-esteem.

In the second experiment, the study authors asked another group of participants about how often their partners appeared annoyed with them. The researchers then informed them that, based on their responses, their partners were likely not happy with certain aspects of their personalities, and that these incompatibilities can lead to later, more significant problems in the relationship.

Again, the authors found that people with low esteem thereafter began questioning the strength of their relationships, and distanced themselves from their partners. In contrast, people with high self-esteem appeared even more confident about their partners' affections after the experiment, and showed a higher esteem for their partners as a result of the relationship "threats" insinuated by the experimenters.

In an interview with Reuters Health, Murray explained that people with high self-esteem are relatively confident that their partners value and accept them, a belief that helps them withstand the emotional bumps that appear along the course of a normal relationship.

These findings may prove useful in the context of couples therapy, she noted. It may be helpful for practitioners to evaluate how accepted and valued each partner feels by the other, and, in some cases, to help people learn to reduce their tendencies to read too much into events.

SOURCE: Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 2002;83:556-573.

The Grief Process

2005-02-20T06:45:00.000-08:00

Very few Singles are unfamiliar with the grief process whether they know it of not.

I thought I was going crazy the first time I went through this process over my first BIG loss. Thank God a friend recommended a book to me that explained what I was going through. It’s important to get help and support when you navigate this road. Seeking support from the wrong things can just make it worse and last longer. There are many books out there on how to make it through. They can be ordered right from your computer. It’s important NOT to do nothing. Don’t get stuck. Accept that you’ll have to move through these phases in one form or another.

We actually go through the grief process over ANY loss. It’s on the big ones where we can’t help but notice it.

Don’t let this little post be your only enlightenment on the grief process. You’ll need to understand much more about it, and how to cope with it, than what’s shared in this post.

The Grief Process

Denial (Shock): The body protects us from what is really happening. The experience does not seem real. We can go through the motions at the time of loss as through we are spectators watching from a distance. This can be a stage of bargaining as well, thinking we will do or change anything if the person can be brought back. Over a period of time, reality is faced. It is important to talk about it , not to keep it at a distance with frantic activity, pills, alcohol, another relationship before healing is complete, etc.

Anger. May be directed at the ANYONE, including yourself. Anything can set you off. Music, seeing other couples, themes on TV, other people’s opinions, all seem especially bothersome when you are in this stage of grief. We think no one can possibly understand our pain. We feel like we’re a stranger to everyone, and everyone to us. Jim Morrison’s lyrics to “People Are Strange,” finally make sense to us:

"People are strange when you’re a stranger
Faces look ugly when you’re alone
Women (Men) seem wicked when you’re unwanted
Streets are uneven when you’re down
When you’re strange
Faces come out of the rain
When you’re strange
No one remembers your name
When you’re strange x3"

Guilt. Guilt is anger turned toward ourselves. None of us is as kind, sensitive or thoughtful as we would like to be. We may feel bad about things we have said or done to hurt the person who is gone. We rehearse unfinished business such as apologies we should have made, things we should have done differently, etc. In the messy business of daily living, we do the best we can - and thank God for those who love us in our imperfections. Guilt can extend to our failure to see the future or to have somehow prevented the current situation. We can say a million times, "If only . . ." We can even feel guilty when we find ourselves having a good time or forgetting about our grief for a period of time.

Depression. A black cloud hanging over everything. In our minds nothing will ever be alright again. Depression can paralyze us. The simplest and most ordinary jobs become almost impossible for us to do. Looking forward to tomorrow or anything is impossible. This is the most difficult and frightening stage. We need to strive to talk and to keep those who seem to withdraw from us involved in daily life.

Acceptance. The time emerges when we begin to believe we will make it through. That doesn't mean things will be the same as they were or that we won't miss the person any more, but it means things will be alright. We forgive ourselves, others, and the Universe, and go on with life fully. We can find that our experience of loss can be very helpful to others facing similar losses. As we share their grief with them, we can find that contact healing for us as well.

Here's a link with more on the grief process:

http://www.hospicenet.org/html/grief_guide.html

Couple Build Startup Into Blog Powerhouse

2005-02-19T20:54:00.000-08:00

Saturday, February 19, 2005 Technology - AP

[I threw this one in to show the power of Blogs!]

By MICHAEL LIEDTKE, AP Business Writer

SAN FRANCISCO - Like so many other 20-somethings hoping to mine the Internet gold rush of the late 1990s, Mena Trott was thrown for a humbling loop by the dot-com bust, yet still craved stardom. Her unassuming husband, Ben, just wanted another computer programming gig in Silicon Valley's depressed job market. The couple's odd chemistry cooked up Six Apart Ltd., a startup that has helped popularize the "blogging" craze, with millions of people worldwide maintaining online personal journals that dissect everything from politics to poultry.

The Trotts, both 27, have amplified the buzz about Web logs, or blogs, by making them easier to set up and write.

San Francisco-based Six Apart provides two widely used blogging tools — a software publishing program, Movable Type, and a hosted service, TypePad, for people who don't want to do the technological grunt work themselves.

Boosted by the recent takeover of another blogging service called LiveJournal, Six Apart now has 7 million users, including a substantial number who pay fees that range from $4.95 per month for TypePad's bare-bones package to thousands of dollars for licensing Movable Type to install on their own servers.

The revenue stream, which the Trotts declined to disclose, has enabled the privately held Six Apart to expand from just six employees in early 2004 to more than 70 with the LiveJournal acquisition, making the Trotts darlings of the blogosphere.

None of it would have happened if Mena hadn't grown bored during the post-boom doldrums of early 2001 and decided to write her own blog.

"I really needed a creative outlet," Mena said. "I figured I wasn't going to be famous in the real world, so I may as well try to be famous in the online world."

Mena gradually won fans with a quirky journal called Dollarshort. The blog shared the foibles of her youth and mused on eclectic topics like her disgust with people who clip their fingernails on public transit and her obsession with the 1972 disaster movie, "The Poseidon Adventure."

It was the kind of thing her taciturn husband would never do.

"Ben is shy and gets uncomfortable when people talk about him," said Andrew Anker, Six Apart's executive vice president of corporate development. "Mena gets upset when everyone is not talking about her every day."

As Mena blogged, Ben became frustrated in his search for a decent computer programming job. While unemployed, Ben began to work on the computer code that became Movable Type.

When 100 people downloaded Movable Type during the first hour of its release in September 2001, the Trotts decided to run their own business from their bedroom, drawing the inspiration for the company name from their nearly identical age — Ben and Mena were born six days apart in 1977.

"We were just looking for something to subsist on," Ben said. "We figured if we ever got 3,000 users, we would just close the (TypePad) service and make it invitation only."

But the Trotts — who at one point only wanted to make enough money to pay their monthly bills — benefited from being at the right place at the right time.

Venture capitalist Joi Ito stumbled upon TypePad and began exploring an investment in Six Apart, but had trouble convincing the Trotts that they should think big.

"They weren't getting out much back then, so they didn't realize how popular this thing was becoming," Ito said.

As part of his lobbying efforts, Ito arranged a meeting with a veteran executive, Barak Berkowitz, who listened to the Trotts' initial, modest business plan and told them that it sounded fine if they wanted to run the equivalent of a small corner store. The condescension infuriated Mena at first, but ultimately made her realize the company needed outside help to realize her dreams.

"We realized pretty quickly that we wanted to influence the future of blogging," Mena said. "We would have felt terrible if blogging became something big and we ended up only being a footnote."

The Trotts ended up selling a stake in the company to Ito and other venture capitalists for $11.5 million and Mena turned over the CEO title to Berkowitz, who keeps her happy by calling her "Queen."

Six Apart's early success is attracting some serious competition.

Software giant Microsoft Corp. is seeking to undercut TypePad with a free blogging service called MSN Spaces. Six Apart also faces another formidable rival in online search engine leader Google Inc., one of the companies where Ben unsuccessfully applied for a job in 2001. Google in 2003 bought another blogging pioneer, Blogger.

The potential of blogging itself elicits strongly divided opinions.

Denizens of the so-called blogosphere believe the practice is destined to revolutionize the way people distribute and get information, increasingly marginalizing traditional mass media outlets.

One blog created by three lawyers, Power Line, is widely credited with challenging last fall's "60 Minutes" report on President Bush (news - web sites)'s National Guard service, for which CBS News anchor Dan Rather later apologized. Other blogs posted first-person narratives and shared information on finding family members missing in the Asian tsunami disaster.

The Pew Internet and American Life Project finds that 27 percent of online adults in the United States read blogs, and 7 percent write them.

Critics, though, view all the fuss about blogs as the latest bout of Internet hyperbole, one that will eventually fade away ones readers realize they are rife with inaccuracies and mundane minutiae.

Mena dismisses the skepticism as misguided, insisting a blog doesn't have to be profound to be worthwhile. She believes most blogs are simply a convenient way to keep in touch with a small circle of family and friends, even if the content seems inconsequential.

As if to prove her point, Mena is taking a picture of herself every day this year and posting it to a blog frequented by a handful of people.

"It's not really hubris," Mena said of her daily portraits. "I'm just trying to create a record that shows my aging process."
___

On the Net:

Mena Trott's blog: http://mena.typepad.com/dollarshort

Trott's dormant blog: http://www.dollarshort.org

Single Again Magazine Online

2005-02-19T11:51:00.000-08:00

This is a pretty good site. Quite a few good articles.

http://www.singleagain.com/

http://www.singleagain.com/articles.html

Juliet? Can We Talk? Secret Relationships Go Sour Quickly, According To New Study By Psychologists

2005-02-19T09:31:00.000-08:00

02-14-2005
Source: University Of Georgia

Secret romantic relationships are hot, right? Movies and television dramas are full of them, and they almost always seem intense, the gateway to a new life filled with promise if not outright ecstasy.

If you believe that, two psychologists who are about to publish research on the subject have a word of advice for you on Valentine's Day: Get a life.

"We found virtually nothing good in the long-term about secret romantic relationships," said W. Keith Campbell of the University of Georgia. "In the beginning, the secrecy may increase the allure, but in every study we conducted it was ultimately detrimental to a quality relationship."

The research, which will be published in March in the journal Personal Relationships, was co-authored by Craig Foster of the U.S. Air Force Academy.

"Secret relationships seem fun and exciting to many people, but the results of our research do not support that view," said Foster. "Individuals in secret romantic relationships consistently report lower levels of relationship quality. These results are inconsistent with a common belief that secret romances are fun and exciting. When individuals think of secret romances, they probably imagine late-night clandestine meetings where the potential for being caught enhances the romantic experience; however, a realistic portrait of romantic relationships reveals that maintaining secrecy is more frustrating than fun."

Research on secrecy in romantic relationships is surprisingly thin, the authors say, and that "may be related to a belief that romantic secrecy is a blithe topic that does not genuinely affect many individuals." Considering how many relationships are secret and the stress they put on friends and family, not to mention lovers, the lack of information may seem, to many, downright odd.

There are many reasons for romantic secrecy, of course. The authors cite as examples of relationships that may require secrecy ones that are homosexual, interracial or interreligious. Just as often, however, secret workplace romances occur, and though they sometimes fade before causing lasting damage, friends and family are often trapped in a web of divided loyalties and deceit.

The authors based their conclusions on three studies, based on question-and-answer surveys, with undergraduate students from the University of North Carolina. In the first study, romantic secrecy predicted lower levels of initial relationship quality and decreased relationship quality over a two-week period. The second and third studies confirmed that romantic secrecy's allure rapidly degrades during the beginning weeks of such a relationship.

"Most of those in the survey didn't say they got involved in a secret relationship because it looked like fun," said Campbell. "The main reason is that they didn't want friends and family finding out."

If secret relationships can be shown to be unsatisfactory for most people, then why are such relationships the backbone of soap operas, many mainstreams movies and hundreds of books published each year? It may be because it's more about escape than about love, and of course, since Romeo and Juliet (and really long before) the idea of secret lovers has exerted a strong pull on the popular imagination.

"Members of secret relationships likely observe others sharing their romantic relationship information with their friends, while they must continually inhibit the desire to share their own experiences," said Foster. "In the case of severe romantic secrecy, relationship members are required to lie about their activities and their relationship status for weeks, months or years. Members of stigmatized relationships, such as homosexual or interracial relationships, may experience additional frustration as the need for romantic secrecy is enforced by a greater social problem."

Campbell, author of the just-released When You Love a Man Who Loves Himself (Sourcebooks Casablanca) is considered a national expert on narcissism, and the new study, he says, points out there may be some benefits to secrecy at the very earliest stages of a secret romantic relationship. Such benefits, however, are currently unclear at best and may well be the topic of another study on the subject.

Most people in secret relationships end up better off than Romeo and Juliet, of course. Then again, living to regret it might actually be worse – at least for a dramatist – than apparently blissful sacrifice.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This story has been adapted from a news release issued by University Of Georgia.

Rejection Hotline Real Popular in Detroit

2005-02-15T13:40:00.000-08:00

Tue Feb 15, 8:57 AM ET - AP

[This isn't very nice. Why not just say "No Thanks?"]

DETROIT - Detroit is a chilly town — in more ways than one.

The Motor City produces the most calls to the Rejection Hotline, a free telephone service that allows uninterested objects of affection to blow off come-ons.

It works like this: You're asked for your telephone number by someone in which you have no interest. You might sound receptive by responding, "248-262-6861."

When that number is dialed, this is what they get: "The person who gave you this number did not want you to have their real number. Maybe the idea of going out with you just seems as appealing as playing leapfrog with unicorns . ... Do your best to forget about the person who gave you this number because, trust us, they've already forgotten about you."

The voice is that of Jeff Goldblatt, a 27-year-old Emory University student who developed Rejection Hotline in 2001. It now serves 29 cities in the United States.

The Detroit line has logged more than 1.2 million calls since it was launched last year, making it the most dialed of the 29 hotlines.

Cher Wardlow, who was given the number about a year ago, wasn't amused. "It was mean," said the 30-year-old store manager. "I was kind of insulted. I didn't think I was all bad. I thought he had lot of nerve."

You Can Truly Die Of A Broken Heart, US Scientists Say

2005-02-15T11:01:00.000-08:00

Thu Feb 10, 2:24 PM ET U.S. National - AFP

WASHINGTON (AFP) - A broken heart, a surprise party, and other sudden emotional shocks can kill otherwise healthy people, US scientists said in the newest edition of the New England Journal of Medicine (news - web sites) published.

The idea of people collapsing and dying from emotional stress is not simply a poetic image, researchers at Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine in Baltimore, Maryland, demonstrated.

In a study of 19 cases of what they called "broken heart syndrome" between 1999 and 2003, the researchers demonstrated a link between intense emotional stress and cardiac failure in otherwise healthy individuals.

"It's important for people to know that this is something that emotional stress truly can do," said Dr. Ilan Wittstein, who led the research.

The study dealt with 18 women and one man sent to hospital coronary care units in Baltimore after experiencing chest pains. For all, the pains came on after sudden emotional stress from things like a death in the family, a surprise birthday party, a car accident, and a biopsy.

None of the 19 had heart disease, and though the median age was 63, the group included two people of ages 27 and 32, respectively.

Without treatment, some of the subjects would have likely died. But all recovered, and none experienced recurrences of the problems, the report said.

The study provided evidence for the existence of stress cardiomyopathy, nicknamed broken heart syndrome by the researchers. The symptoms resemble a heart attack, which usually involves a blood clot cutting off circulation in the heart.

In broken heart syndrome, the heart simply weakens, making it temporarily less able to pump blood.

"How exactly it occurs is not clear, but the patients had unusually high levels of stress-related brain chemicals and hormones like adrenaline, which may have temporarily impaired their heart function," Wittstein said.

One of the continuing mysteries, Wittsein said, was why nearly all of the victims were female.

Find a Husband or Wife After 35

2005-02-15T07:31:00.000-08:00

Find a Husband After 35 Using What I Learned at Harvard Business School, by RACHEL GREENWALD.

This Author and book were featured on The Today Show recently. She had some pretty good points.

She mentioned that her advice could be used by both men and women.

Dating Sites Seek New Angles As Singles Look Offline

2005-02-14T14:03:00.000-08:00

Mon Feb 14,11:01 AM ET Technology - SiliconValley.com
By K. Oanh Ha, Mercury News

One guy stood her up on a Friday night. Another was charming online but wouldn't keep his hands off her when they met. Three were married.

For a year and a half, Renee Cali was casting for love online -- and reeling in only disappointment. So she turned away from Internet dating sites and to an offline matchmaker, Table for Six, which arranges dinners for singles.

"It's hard through e-mail to gauge someone's personality," said Cali, 41, of Sunnyvale. "When you see someone face to face, you can assess whether there's a connection in the first few minutes."

Cali and the growing number of people jaded by Internet matchmaking are an unsettling phenomenon for the online dating industry, which has seen visitor traffic decline and revenue growth plateau. The digital matchmakers are feverishly responding with new enticements: compatibility tests, identity checks, video chats and cell phone access. Others court specific communities like seniors, African-Americans and even pet lovers.

Nearly all of the 1,650 new Bay Area members who joined Table for Six in 2004 were singles who stopped fishing online, said owner Julie Paiva. "A big reason why someone does online dating is to expand their social life," said Paiva. "But they find out what they're mostly doing is spending time in front of a computer screen."

Mature industry

"We're looking at a mature industry," said Nate Elliot, online dating analyst at Jupiter Research. "There are now more departing users than there are users to take their place. These sites have to find ways to better satisfy users."

This Valentine's Day finds the $500 million-a-year online dating industry still the leading category of paid content on the Internet. But the sheen has worn off. The industry's revenue mushroomed by more than 70 percent a year in 2002 and 2003. That pace slowed to just 19 percent growth last year. The industry faces single-digit growth in the years to come, according to Jupiter Research.

Last month, the number of visitors to online dating sites fell 24 percent compared with a year ago, according to comScore Media Metrix. Only 14 percent of Internet users are expected to browse dating personals this year, down from 21 percent in 2003, according to Jupiter.

As the industry matures, it's increasingly sifting through casual daters and so-called "serious daters." Those looking for long-term commitment are prime prospects for dating sites because they're more likely to sign up for longer subscriptions and fork over more money, analysts said.

Cali, for one, paid for memberships at five sites before pulling the plug. "If you're serious about finding someone, you have to spend money and stick around to make the effort," she said. In 2000, when eHarmony homed in on the population of serious daters -- armed with a 436-question personality test -- many of its competitors laughed.

EHarmony's algorithms for romance struck a chord. The Pasadena company (www.eHarmony.com) currently boasts a membership of 6.5 million, up from 1 million in 2003. Yahoo Personals (http://personals.yahoo.com), True (www.true.com), PerfectMatch.com (www.perfectmatch.com) and Tickle (http://match.tickle.com/) have followed suit with their own love alchemy tests. Yahoo's tests, which began in November, incorporate text, audio and video to scrutinize and help match singles. Meanwhile, at Color Cupid (www.colorcupid.com), members are matched based on color preference tests.

"Our culture has been dead wrong in thinking that marriages are built just upon romance the Romeo and Juliet way," said Neal Clark Warren, eHarmony's founder and a couples psychologist for 38 years. "Being turned on to someone is an important factor. But in our case, it's only one of 29 important factors."

No certain something

But not all daters agree the best matches are made by a computer. Lionel, a 56-year-old Marin County mortgage broker who didn't want to give his last name, left love in the hands of eHarmony -- and "it was a disaster."

He wasn't interested in any of the women he was matched with. "At the end of the day, the computer can't catch the nuances you're looking for. It doesn't know who you are and what you want," he said.

True, of Irving, Texas, went a step further when it unleashed its Cupid last year. Every one of its 2.8 million members undergoes a background check to ensure they have no criminal background and aren't married.

True is behind bills introduced in five states that would require dating sites to disclose whether they do criminal background checks. It's a move that some competitors scoff at. "You have a late entrant who's trying to find a marketing angle -- and it's fear," said James Currier, chief executive of Tickle in San Francisco. "There may be some disappointments online, but rarely is it dangerous."

Background checks

But True's not the only one with that angle. Mary.com, (www.mary.com) launched this month, offers compatibility testing, along with background checks and "certified" photos taken by its photographers to ensure people look like their photos.

Even the old-fashioned phone is being put to use in online romance. Mary.com connects members on private calls, for those reluctant to give their numbers out. And Webdate (www.webdate.com) members can connect through Webcam and video chat.

Match.com plans to more aggressively advertise its "Mobile Date" service, which allows members to check other singles' profiles on their cell phones and to flirt by digitally "winking" at other members through instant messaging.

Companies are also carving up the market into every conceivable niche, catering to "plus-size" singles (www.largefriends.com), the devout (www.bigchurch.com) and even those who want to connect through pets (www.animalattraction.com). The largest collection of niche sites belongs to Spark Network (formerly MatchNet) of Beverly Hills, whose stable of sites includes the popular JDate for Jews (www.jdate.com).

Dating sites "are doing everything they can to differentiate themselves from competitors," said David Evans, editor of Online Dating Magazine. "They're trying to increase the dollar value out of each customer."

None of the enticements is bringing back Cali. She has decided meeting people in the real world is her best chance of finding a life partner. "I don't want to go through a huge creative writing exercise just to meet someone," she said. "I'm doing more of the things I enjoy in life and hopefully I'll meet someone there."

Contact K. Oanh Ha at kha@mercurynews.com or (408) 278-3457.

Did the Teacher Say to Put Your Tongue in My Mouth?

2005-02-14T10:24:00.000-08:00

Mon Feb 14, 9:15 AM ET - Reuters
By Linda Thomas

SEATTLE (Reuters) - There's more to a kiss than meets the lips, as couples are learning at a kissing school in Seattle.

Psychotherapist Cherie Byrd, 56, got the idea for teaching kissing classes while dating a man who was a horrible kisser.

"Yuck. He was clumsy, unskilled and half-hearted," Byrd said. "I told him if he wanted the relationship to continue he had to let me teach him to kiss."

The boyfriend didn't last, but Byrd, a self-described "luscious kisser," said that gave her the idea to teach the art and craft of kissing to other couples. Since 1998, more than 500 couples have paid $275 to learn Byrd's secrets for giving or receiving a passionate kiss.

On a typical class day, up to a dozen couples create "love nests" with sleeping bags and overstuffed pillows on the carpeted floor of the classroom.

Each class begins with foot rubs, back-to-back dancing and tender kisses on the hand. Students slowly graduate to neck nibbles, ear exploration and finally lip locks.

As Byrd guides couples through exercises, such as kissing only the bottom lip or licking an ear, soft music plays. In a calm, breathy voice she tells them to "tease, surrender and risk" touching their partner in ways they've never tried before.

Most are married and in their late 30s to mid-50s. Some couples have come from as far away as Africa, Korea and cities all over the United States, Byrd said.

Byrd's school, simply titled "Kissing School," appears to be the only one of its kind, although there are Web sites that offer kissing tips and techniques. Several books also cover the subject, including one by Byrd.

"We're basically clueless," Byrd said. "It's more than a smashing of lips." Byrd says that more important than technique is the connection between two people.

"It's hard to truly connect with your beloved in our society because we're in such a hurry," she explained. "Multi-tasking leads to sorry, sloppy smooches."

While most students at Seattle's Kissing School are couples, singles are also welcome to take classes, provided they don't mind kissing total strangers.

Gary Getz and Lorrie Clemens, married for nine months, flew from their home outside Palo Alto, California to Seattle to attend a kissing school on Saturday.

"It was Lorrie's idea to take the class," Getz said. "But I certainly benefit from her interest."

Getz said he resisted his wife's suggestion of going to a kissing school at first. And after completing the day-long class, he reported that he was somewhat disappointed.

"As a guy, I thought it would be more technical," Getz explained, "The put your hand here and pucker up this way kind of thing."

But he added quickly, "It was very enjoyable."

Other than an occasional, muted "yes" coming from the couple in the corner of the room, there was no conversation until the end of the kissing exercises. Each partner was then asked to rate the other's kiss on a scale of one to 10. One is "not so good" while 10 is a kiss that "sweeps you off your feet." After a brief discussion, the couples went at it again to try to improve their scores.

Getz and Clemens rated each other's kisses at 9.9. "We want to keep on practicing," Clemens said.

The instructor's top tip for creating a kiss that is satisfying and sensual is to slow down. "Men in particular rush through kisses and let their minds wander too much," Byrd said. "A kiss is really a gift of your heart. It's your energy transferred to another person's body."

Although the class is very intimate, Byrd has never had couples go too far with their kisses. The room, in an old school building, is well lighted and not the most comfortable place to get carried away, even with the fluffy pillows and blankets.

Only one couple failed the class in Byrd's opinion. "One guy thought he knew everything and didn't need any lessons," Byrd said. "I feel for his poor wife."

As couples left Saturday's class, hair tousled and in search of lip balm, Byrd went home to an empty house. The kissing school teacher is not married and at the moment doesn't have a boyfriend.

Colleges Offer Classes on Relationships

2005-02-14T10:12:00.000-08:00

Monday, February 14, 2005

U.S. National - AP
By MARTHA IRVINE, AP National Writer

MUNCIE, Ind. - Over the last 30 years, academics have been developing the study of "close relationships," as they call it, forming the International Association for Relationship Research to share resources and data. In recent years, though, some professors have moved beyond theory, making the discussion more personal to students by teaching relationship skills they can use outside the classroom.

Some call it Relationships 101 — a concept that has proven wildly popular on campuses across the country.

Such research is "not just about what makes people happy but how relationships can affect other things — for instance, someone's health," says Lisa Baker, an assistant professor of psychology at Purchase College, part of the State University of New York.

When Scott Hall wants to spark a discussion, he asks his students something bound to provoke a reaction: Do women want more out of marriage than men?

The students in Hall's course on marriage at Ball State University — many of them women — laugh and nod at his question. Most of them agree with research he cites stating that men are most interested in a partner who's attractive and good in bed.

But not Mike Toscano, a 21-year-old senior: "It's not 'Oh she looks cute and she cooked a pot pie,'" he says. "I want to be held once in a while, too, y'all."

The comment draws more laughter, as Toscano blushes and smiles.

"I'm glad he feels that way," Anitra Montgomery, a 22-year-old junior, responds to the class. "But he is rare!"

Toscano says he and his girlfriend, Bethany Ringrose, decided to take the class together this term to see if they want to take their relationship to the next level.

"It helps me understand my actions and his, too," says Ringrose, a 20-year-old junior at the school in central Indiana.

With divorce as common as it is in this country, experts say young couples are wise to do their marriage homework.

"The thinking is, the earlier people learn those skills, the better off they'll be," says Dennis Lowe, psychology professor at Pepperdine University in Malibu, Calif., who team teaches a freshman seminar called "Developing Healthy Relationships" with his wife, Emily Scott-Lowe.

Among other things, students in the Lowes' classes practice listening — namely giving the other person a chance to speak his or her mind without interruption. And if students are considering long-term, committed relationships, they're asked to consider questions such as whose job it would be to buy a car, discipline a child or cook dinner.

Leslie Parrott, a professor at Seattle Pacific University, says surveys at her university and others regularly show that relationships are a priority for students.

"They're often more focussed on relationship quality than their careers," says Parrott, a marriage and family therapist who teaches relationships courses with her husband, Les Parrott.

Lecture topics include "Falling in Love Without Losing Your Mind" and "How to Break Up Without Falling Apart." The latter class includes discussion on how to end a relationship cleanly and taking time after a breakup to avoid a rebound relationship: Parrott says that session regularly draws students who aren't even enrolled in the class.

"Breaking up is a real rite of passage for people their age — they're just dying and they have no real guidance," says Parrott, who's co-authored a textbook on relationships with her husband.

Parrott says that some academics question whether classes like these belong in a college setting. But others — from economists to theologians — say there's no reason love should be ignored.

"The longer I live, the more I realize that the hardest thing is just relationships," says Robert Brancatelli, an assistant professor of religious studies at Santa Clara University in California's Silicon Valley. "It's hard enough to figure out yourself, let alone another person."

His course, "The Theology of Marriage," challenges students to go beyond notions of romantic fantasy to ultimately view love as "a mature self, capable of offering oneself to another person freely."

"And in doing so, you become more of your true self," says Brancatelli, who requires students to spend time with married couples to see what a life of commitment is really all about.

"I tell them to try to get invited over for dinner," Brancatelli says, "to see what the couples are like after a couple glasses of wine."
___

On the Net:

International Association for Relationship Research: http://www.iarr.org/
___

Martha Irvine is a national writer specializing in coverage of people in their 20s and younger. She can be reached at mirvine(at)ap.org

Personality, Not Values, Makes the Marriage - Study

2005-02-14T04:16:00.000-08:00

Sun Feb 13, 6:57 PM ET Health - Reuters

By Susan Heavey

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Shared moral values are less important than compatible personalities as a recipe for a good marriage, according to a study released on Sunday.

Married couples often share the same attitudes about faith and other values, researchers from the University of Iowa found. But those with personalities similar to their spouses were the happiest.

"People may be attracted to those who have similar attitudes, values and beliefs and even marry them," the researchers said, and those qualities are easy to spot in a potential mate. Attitudes toward subjects such as religion or politics "are highly visible," they said.

But how married people behave was shown to have a greater effect on happiness.

"Being in a committed relationship entails regular interaction and requires extensive coordination in dealing with tasks, issues and problems of daily living," the study found.

Differences in how to deal with everyday matters can lead to "more friction and conflict," it said.

Personality-driven traits -- like being open, easy-going or organized -- are likely to play a bigger role in the marriage, the researchers found after studying 291 newly married couples.

The newlyweds were married for an average of five months when the data was culled late in 2000 and had dated for an average of 3 1/2 years.

The couples were participants in the Iowa Marital Assessment Project, a long-term study being conducted by the university with funding from the National Institute of Mental Health under the National Institutes of Health.

Participants were asked to evaluate their own traits and were videotaped interacting with each other.

Partners who rated their marriages as highly satisfactory were found to have more common personalities.

Similar attitudes among the couples, however, showed no clear impact on happiness, according to the study published in the American Psychological Association's Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.

2005-02-13T17:27:00.000-08:00

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2005-02-13T14:55:00.000-08:00

Where Singles Reflect

Another of my Favorite Poems

2005-02-13T12:21:00.000-08:00

Here's another of my favorite poems. Some of you may know it. It was written in 1927 by Max Ehrmann on the back of a church bulletin. He just left it in the church with no intention of ever publishing it. The poem, "Desiderata," translates from the latin to "Things to be desired." Someone found it and liked it enough to keep it. The rest is folklore.

Desiderata
by Max Ehrmann

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; Many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you perceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

One of my Favorite Poems

2005-02-13T12:13:00.000-08:00

The Station
by Robert J. Hastings

Tucked away in our subconscious minds is an idyllic vision. We see ourselves on a long, long trip that almost spans the continent. We're traveling by passenger train, and out the windows we drink in the passing scene of cars on nearby highways, of children waving at a crossing, of cattle grazing on a distant hillside, of smoke pouring from a power plant, of row upon row of corn and wheat, of flatlands and valleys, of mountains and rolling hills, of biting winter and blazing summer and cavorting spring and docile fall.

But uppermost in our minds is the final destination. On a certain day at a certain hour we will pull into the station. There sill be bands playing, and flags waving. And once we get there so many wonderful dreams will come true. So many wishes will be fulfilled and so many pieces of our lives finally will be neatly fitted together like a completed jigsaw puzzle. How restlessly we pace the aisles, damning the minutes for loitering ... waiting, waiting, waiting, for the station.
However, sooner or later we must realize there is no one station, no one place to arrive at once and for all. The true joy of life is the trip. The station is only a dream. It constantly outdistances us.

"When we reach the station, that will be it !" we cry. Translated it means, "When I'm 18, that will be it ! When I buy a new 450 SL Mercedes Benz, that will be it ! When I put the last kid through college, that will be it ! When I have paid off the mortgage, that will be it ! When I win a promotion, that will be it ! When I reach the age of retirement, that will be it ! I shall live happily ever after !"

Unfortunately, once we get it, then it disappears. The station somehow hides itself at the end of an endless track.

"Relish the moment" is a good motto, especially when coupled with Psalm 118:24: "This is the day which the Lord hath made; we will rejoice and be glad in it." It isn't the burdens of today that drive men mad. Rather, it is regret over yesterday or fear of tomorrow. Regret and fear are twin thieves who would rob us of today.

So, stop pacing the aisles and counting the miles. Instead, climb more mountains, eat more ice cream, go barefoot oftener, swim more rivers, watch more sunsets, laugh more and cry less. Life must be lived as we go along.

The station will come soon enough.

I'm Going To Write About It!

2005-02-13T10:21:00.000-08:00

This is my first entry with many to come. Life as a "Single." So many aspects to the state of being "Single," a person could write a book about it. Since I'm Single, I love to talk, I love to communicate (broader term than talking), and I love to write, Blogging seems only natural! So here we go!